Tuesday, December 27, 2011

snowflakes.

like the fat flakes that shower down endlessly from above,
such is the abundance of God's relentless love.


but I don't want it to so quickly melt away,
just like I wish this wasn't already my last day.
(in Michigan/with my parents)








Hmm. Not sure where that came from. I'm definitely not a poet o.O

Sunday, December 25, 2011

[p11] the bottom of our joy.

(started/saved on 4/10/11)

For our evening session, we had...John Piper! That was kinda exciting, since I knew a bit about him, a ton about how awesome he was (at least from people I knew and respected), but I'd barely read or heard anything by him. His sermon (which you can still listen to!) was SUPER GOOD. It was about getting to the bottom of our joy...basically, when we examine our hearts, what is the eventual root cause of it all? Of everything? The example he used was: say we're happy because we get a good grade on a test. Why does that make us happy? Because good grades = good job opps. Why does that make us happy? Because good job opps = better life, happier parents, etc. But at the very end of the chain, what is the root of our joy? What is our purpose in life?
Piper's main point, basically, was that it pretty much comes down to two things: it's either us or God. And if it's not God, it won't prove to be enough in the end. I have more notes in my old planner (which is not currently with me), but I think he made a few points about how God glorifies us and also how it's even more awesome that God is ultimately made much of. It was reaaaaaally good. Very convicting and also encouraging. (Just click the link and listen yourself! :D It's a blessing that it's saved online for future/repeat listening.)

The only other thing I remember now from Saturday night was that Chris Tomlin led worship, anad when we sang "Spirit Fall", at the end, we just kept singing, "Spirit fall, Spirit fall, Holy Spirit fall, fall on me." Man, was it a beautiful sound :) Loving Father, I hope it was sweet music to Your ears as well.

[p11] carry Your name.

(started/saved on 4/10/11)

So all I can remember now is that this was the last session of Passion on Sunday morning. Can't even remember anything from the worship session anymore, just Louie Giglio's message (but that's what was good!). I just remember he started by listing a TON of brand names and names of rock stars, and then talking about the concept of carrying a name. These names (Nike, Puma, Louie Vuitton, Gap, Obama, Lady Gaga, Justin Bieber) only carry any weight or import because of those who carry them--us. Even though the names are famous, they are only this way because we choose to make them that way. Whether we're wearing them, going to their concerts, voting for them, or just talking about them (most likely in a positive light)...we are carrying their names. We are making them known more. We are showing others through our words and actions that we support those names, we love those names. I mean, we each have names, and I think it's easy to see and understand how much of our identity comes from our names.
(and you can kinda see where Louie was leading up to here)
But when we stop and think about it, about our lives--just a vapor in the wind, yet our only chance to witness to lost sheep in a dark and broken world--whose name should we be carrying? Whose name, above every other name (even our own)? Jesus Christ. He alone is worthy of all the glory, honor, and praise.
Why?
Because He obeyed the Father perfectly, suffering the most excruciating death, that we may have true life through Him:

"Who, being in very nature God, did not consider equality with God something to be used to His own advantage; rather, He made Himself nothing by taking the very nature of a servant, being made in human likeness. And being found in appearance as a man, He humbled himself by becoming obedient to death—even death on a cross!
Therefore God exalted Him to the highest place and gave Him the name that is above every name, that at the name of Jesus every knee should bow, in heaven and on earth and under the earth,
and every tongue acknowledge that Jesus Christ is Lord, to the glory of God the Father."
-Philippians 2:6-11

:)
And then I remember Louie announcing that we had raised more than enough to fund a 5-year translation project to translate the Bible into the Koso's native language (hmm, wonder how that's going. Haven't prayed over them in a while >.<), which was awesome! And he also introduced a new project, to raise money for rubble-removing machines for Haiti. Which, as I can see from the do.something.now website, was also accomplished! Along with their other projects. Man, God is good. Praises be to Him :)

Sadly, I can't really remember anything else from our small group time after that first Friday night :( but I do remember we took a group picture and just kinda wrapped up. I know they said that we would get a lot out of small group, but I also know it varies.
After Passion was over, we all went to lunch at Corner Bakery, and we met Jason's friend Katie! From Ohio. That was pretty neat :) and...that's all I can really remember right now >.<
But overall, I am just really, really thankful for the chance to go to Passion this past year :) for its proximity to us, for people who just kept suggesting for me to go (Daniel Kim), for rides and hotel accommodations...so good. I don't know if/when I'll get to go again, especially if they don't plan on returning to Fort Worth (maybe I'll fly to Atlanta one year!), but it was just such a powerful experience. The worship was so amazing (and the music still moves me deeply and brings me to my knees), the speakers made points that I still remember, and overall everything just made me fall even deeper in love with Jesus. What could be better? :)


Praying for Passion 2012!!

[p11] do something now.

Okay. So I hate saved drafts just sitting there (for my blog or my email) because I never got around to finishing what I started...so I'm forcing myself to finish these last 3 posts about Passion, even though 8.5 months has definitely put a lot of distance into my memory of it, sadly. I'll pull what I can so that I don't eventually forget it all :( Aileen, if you're reading this, hope it helps get you even more excited for next week! :)


(Yep...started/saved this on 4/10/11)

After the afternoon session let out, we had a three-hour break before the evening session. I took this time to check out the 268store (which sold Passion merchandise, like CDs, books, sermons, shirts) and the adjacent Go Center, which had a lot of different displays, focused towards the Koso people. I spent a while just looking at merchandise, especially this one book that documented their world tour, literally to cities ALL OVER the world...like in Japan, Singapore, Brazil, Ukraine, etc. Really awesome and mind-blowing, seeing that the Spirit of God is definitely moving and working in the young hearts in all those places :) ahhh, gives me chills! Even now.
I also spent a while just reading about the Koso people, as well as reading about the other projects that the Atlanta Passion 2011 attendees had raised money for. So encouraging :) I also ended up giving some for the Koso Bible translation (and it felt good!), and then I spent some time in the pillow/prayer area over them. Being by myself during that time was refreshing, actually :)

The other thing I did for the rest of my free time that day was go to the prayer room, which I really enjoyed (and recommend!). It was just a room set up with candles and different stations with different things to pray over--personally, locally, and globally. It was just a really good time of prayer :) and the last room, with just a big cross in the middle, was really powerful. Thankful that I got a chance to stop by there :) prayer rooms are always so awesome!

december 25th

Merry Christmas! :) forcing myself to at least post something on my blog, which has been inactive for much longer than I would like, sigh. God has really been teaching me what it looks like to be disciplined in studying (since He and I both know that my grades have never resulted from super intense studying...more from His grace, all the way). I was telling a friend about my past week and realized that I've spent about 10 or 11 hours a day studying/reviewing science material. WOW.

Praise God for study breaks! :) also, can't wait for onething in three days....ahhh!
Hopefully, 2012 will bring more blog posts from this end. We will see.

Sunday, October 30, 2011

temptations.

From a friend:
"The devil tempts us to destroy us. The Lord tests us to develop us. Reference stories of Daniel and Job."


Praise God :) He is so good!

Thursday, October 20, 2011

reminder to self.

I need to remember that my heart for God needs to come before everything else, even my heart for His people.


>.<
Bam!

Wednesday, October 12, 2011

october.

October always seems (or just is) the busiest month of the fall semester...definitely feeling it now. The weekend in College Station with brothers and sisters was a good change of pace and very refreshing and encouraging, but after coming back, it feels like things have been constantly overwhelming...and it's only been two days. Sigh. Praise God that He sustains.

Oh, October. Why you gotta be so crazy.

Thursday, October 6, 2011

small group.

Just gonna say, leading a small group (especially when I wasn't expecting to this semester) is already such a wonderful and rewarding experience :D praise God!!! Only He could allow sisters who have just met to already be so open and free and loving with each other. Can't wait to see how the rest of the semester pans out with our SG :)



Okay. Now time to do that silly essay.

Tuesday, October 4, 2011

mindblowing.

Take Up Your Cross and Follow Jesus (Luke 9:23-27)
And Jesus said to all, "If anyone would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me. For whoever would save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for my sake will save it. For what does it profit a man if he gains the whole world and loses or forfeits himself? For whoever is ashamed of me and of my words, of him will the Son of Man be ashamed when he comes in his glory and the glory of the Father and of the holy angels.
But I tell you truly, there are some standing here who will not taste death until they see the kingdom of God."


At small group leaders' meeting last night (my first time going), my mind was blown by a totally new interpretation of that last verse. I always read it and was slightly confused, at first thinking it meant that some people who were with Jesus as He spoke would live until they saw heaven...which would mean living 2000+ years. Probably not the case. Or maybe Jesus was referring to His transfiguration on the mountain in front of three of His disciples, which happens right after this passage. Or maybe it was a reminder that we as believers don't truly die because Jesus is coming back and bringing with Him a new heaven and new earth.

What I had never thought of, however, was this: that some people who live on this earth will not realize the bitter and despairing taste of death until they see how glorious is the kingdom of God.
One of the guys compared it to his Kindle--if there were such a thing as a 3-d Kindle, he would want that instead of being satisfied with the Kindle he has now. Otherwise, he would blissfully continue living his life, satisfied with his normal Kindle. In the same way, so many of the lost around us just live without ever hearing the gospel message, and it's not until it's time for them to die that they realize how much they missed out on.

Blew my mind. Also reminded me of the urgency we should all have as believers to share the gospel with everyone we know. This is a matter of their eternal soul.



Man. I want to keep skipping MCAT Monday classes so I can come to this every week. Feel like I've been missing out!

indecisive.

Ahhhhhhhh. I can't figure out what to do over winter break >.< Current plan: Michigan, onething, then Houston...but what dates? Why do flight tickets have to be booked so far in advance...
I want to spend as much time as I can with my parents, but I don't want to miss out on fellowship stuff once finals are done...but will everyone have gone home by then, anyway? Plus, I need to use winter break to study for my MCAT X____X and onething seems really awesome! Especially since I won't get the chance to go next year if I want to go to Urbana....aiya.


God, grant me guidance in this matter, please. Help me to not do anything that I'll regret, as my sister advised me last night.

fall camping trip.

IV fall camping trip this past weekend was so, so good :) Beautiful weather, lots of fun and fellowship, yummy food (even if it took forever to prepare on Sunday morning), new people!, great time of sharing by lamplight and moonlight on Saturday night, being renewed by Jesus in studying Isaiah 53, leading worship for the first time in a while, new friendships, recommitments to Christ...wow. :)

thank You, Jesus!

missions (x4)

So this is a belated post, but I was sharing with a friend last week about how I feel like recently, God has constantly been speaking to me about missions...about what or where particularly, I'm not sure.
Exhibit A: When I went to visit Austin Stone for the first time on Labor Day weekend, the sermon was about how we respond to God's missionary call for us as His disciples.

Exhibit B: Two weeks later, when I visited AABC for the second time, the sermon focused on the church's vision for missions, and they shared about all of their missionary couples that are abroad right now.

Exhibit C: At IV Large Group two weeks ago, one of our IV alumni shared about his year on missions with YWAM (Youth with a Mission) in Taiwan.

Exhibit D: When I went to DCBC last week (for the first time in a looong time), the sermon wasn't about missions, but our Sunday School was led by a white missionary who had been in China for five years (who had also shared during service).

And then on top of all THAT, three different brothers and sisters who did STiM this past year approached me and strongly urged me to think and pray about doing it my senior year...whoa.


Coincidence? I think not.
God, please help me to be open to whatever You're trying to show me through these messages and events.

Wednesday, September 14, 2011

streeeetched.

God, I feel like You're really stretching me right now.

Physically, I am exhausted--second night in a row of sleeping pretty late without the chance to sleep in the next morning. Spiritually, I'm still lacking in discipline in my daily quiet times and prayer times =\ sorry. Mentally, my thoughts are at once all over the place and crowded together, mostly for Amazing Race, biochemistry/mole cell homework and tests, plus camping trip...and now maybe leading a small group this semester?! I just (want to) feel like this: o______________o Man, and I thought school and IV couldn't get any crazier than last year when I was doing Amazing Race all on my own and tackling things like organic chemistry...but at least right now, it feels even more hectic.
Maybe this is what You pruning me looks like, in order that I may bear more fruit for Your glory. If that is the case, so be it. Let my heart choose to say, Lord, blessed be Your name.
Maybe this is what You growing me looks like. Placing me once again in a place where I have no choice but to reach out for Your hand, to cling onto You and depend on You with everything I have, plans and all, so that when it's all over, I can look back and say that it was definitely, without an ounce of a doubt, all You, Jesus.



"No temptation has overtaken you except what is common to mankind. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can endure it." -1 Corinthians 10:13
Love that promise. Thank You, Jesus.

(from 9/25/11...because I don't really want to publish this publicly but can't do a private on just one post. Sigh, insecurities...still struggling with this one 3 months later. but God, thank You that You are greater than all my doubts.)

"rawr."
Why can't I let this insecurity stop bugging me? No matter how many times I reread God's message of love over me, once I step on the scale, I want to cry and wallow in self-pity. It's not even a big change...just a gradual increase that I guess I'm scared will never stop.

This is disgusting. People are starving around the world. Every time I'm able to fill my stomach, it is a joyful pleasure. Jesus, help me to truly know and believe in my heart that You are the only beautiful thing in me, and it is more than enough to overcome what numbers on a scale tell me.)

Tuesday, September 13, 2011

heartache.

I don't know why it still hurts when I read certain things that he says or writes, even though they're not even directed at me. I wish these silly heart wrenches would go away, would be overwhelmed by Your love for me, Jesus. I know You're my first love, I know You're the only One who pursues me perfectly and holds my heart, but I still can't help feeling the sting. Will it ever stop?

thrift.

Wondering why it's so hard for me to let go of the thriftiness that's lodged so deeply within me. Even my parents got on my case about it (again) this past weekend...God, show me how to be a good steward of the (financial) resources that You've so richly blessed me with. Please. Dislodge this fleshly desire to hoard up money for myself and replace it with something more beautiful--a desire to use every penny for Your glory, whatever that looks like.


Jesus, thank You also for the love You've shown me through my parents for my whole life, including this past weekend. I feel so spoiled :) and I know this is something most children never get to experience from their earthly parents.

If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him!
-Matthew 7:11

Wednesday, September 7, 2011

lovesong.

Song of Solomon is freaking awesome. Seriously, it's God's love letter to you.
If you don't believe me, just go read 2:8-14 or 4:1-10.

My beloved spoke and said to me,
“Arise, my darling,
my beautiful one, come with me.
See! The winter is past;
the rains are over and gone.
Flowers appear on the earth;
the season of singing has come,
the cooing of doves
is heard in our land.
The fig tree forms its early fruit;
the blossoming vines spread their fragrance.
Arise, come, my darling;
my beautiful one, come with me.”

My dove in the clefts of the rock,
in the hiding places on the mountainside,
show me your face,
let me hear your voice;
for your voice is sweet,
and your face is lovely.


Mmmmmmmmmmmmm. :) Thank You, Jesus.

familiarity and frustrations.

There's something nice about having familiar teachers. You know what I mean?



On a completely different note, being super detail-oriented and working with someone who is terrible with logistics is incredibly frustrating. Arghhh. Being stretched and grown in patience is difficult.

asymptotes.

My little brother was telling me the other day how the Christian walk is like an asymptote. I wish I could better remember his analogy...all I can remember now is how he said that there are times of exponential growth, but after that, we are just constantly growing closer and closer to God, for the rest of our lives. :)

joshua 1.

Email to our previous staff documenting encouragement from Joshua 1.

"Hey!
Just wanted to share something with you that encouraged me during our evangelism training a couple of weeks ago. We were studying Joshua 1, and what struck me a lot was the first thing that God says to Joshua (in verse 2 and 3): "Moses my servant is dead. Now then, you and all these people, get ready to cross the Jordan River into the land I am about to give to them—to the Israelites. I will give you every place where you set your foot, as I promised Moses."
I guess it had never occurred to me before, but when God says to Joshua, "Moses my servant is dead," it made me realize: Wow, last year's leadership team is gone (not completely, but in terms of our whole team/team dynamics, etc). [You're] gone. We're a really new team (the only returning leaders are on core, [our current staff] is new, all of the other leaders are brand new)...which is pretty scary. But that's not the end of it. God follows up His statement with such wonderful promises, and I know that He's basically saying the same thing to us this year in UTD-IV. It was just really good for me to remember/acknowledge that last year (and last year's leadership team) is behind us, but God hasn't left us by any means. Of course, I/we miss you so much, but you really did such a great job in training and leading us :D Thanks again!!

Yep yep. Hope that was as encouraging to you as it was to me. Can't wait to see you in less than a week! :D
Love, Anna"


The first two large groups have had >100 people. EACH. God is awesome! Can't wait to see what He has planned for our fellowship this year. But as they told us at Rec Week, "New level, new devil." With such large numbers, we have to take into account a lot of different things, not the least of which is crowd control and small group involvement. Jesus, please show us how to be faithful in shepherding Your flock.

(secular) student orgs.

I guess I'd never thought too much about the difference between secular student orgs and fellowships like IV, especially after getting to college. Maybe that's because I never really joined any orgs other than IV, except for AED...but that's just like pre-health NHS in its size and lack of intimacy.
Last week, I went to VSA's first meeting, and today, I went to CSA's first meeting. Lots of Asians, (pizza and) egg rolls, semi-fun icebreakers. Not that great or attractive. Plus, you have to pay dues to join these clubs! Call me dumb, but in my mind, that concept harks back to my Bellaire days. What makes people want to join these clubs? I guess just the fact that they have some volunteer events, some social events, and a fundraiser or two. Just people wanting to meet other people with similar interests. The more I type, the more I feel the likelihood rising that these thoughts sound totally inane.
I don't know--after knowing and living the community that is IV (or any true fellowship on campus), I feel like these clubs just don't quite make the cut...at least not for me. There's only so much fun, so much depth that can be reached in a friendship, without Jesus. Jesus makes the difference. And I think for the first time, I'm seeing that in a new light--student orgs.

I'm not sure what to make of these thoughts...just interesting. We may not be nearly as tight as Acts 2 community, but communities with no Jesus really seem so...hollow. So empty. A firsthand look at what is meant by the term "God-shaped hole". God, help me to shine Your light on this campus to everyone I interact with.



You know, it's funny--I feel like all this hopping around (first churches, and now student orgs) is something (that should be) more characteristic of freshman year. I specifically told myself I would cut down on my student life activities this semester to study for my MCAT, yet more than ever before, I'm going to more interest meetings for clubs that I've never been to. Is God directing me otherwise, or am I just losing self-discipline all of a sudden?

Friday, August 26, 2011

weary.

Man, I am exhausted. Having to wait to move in, finally setting up my bed last night, sleeping late and waking up early, spending hours in the hot sun...and most importantly, neglecting my quiet times this week. It's piling up, and I am tired. I'm weary.

I messed up. Without fully realizing it, I flaked on a friend (due to my tiredness) and it set her off. Especially since I know her and how sensitive she is to these things, I should have known better. But I know God is using this for my good and for her good--to teach me discipline in keeping commitments that I make, and to teach her more patience, for He is always, always so patient with us.


Jesus says, "Come to me, all you who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest."

And all I can say in response is, thank You. thank You a million times over. please keep reminding me how much i need to rest in You and You alone.

You and You alone awake my soul, awake my soul to sing

Saturday, August 20, 2011

lightbulb moment.

I don't know if I've ever really been able to relate when people talk about having lightbulb moments, but I may have had one this morning, thanks to God (as always, haha). We were having a short retreat of silence at our fall leadership retreat to start off the morning, and I ended up flipping to Isaiah 53. I'm not sure why it came to mind, but I had been meaning to read it since Kara had mentioned it to me last Sunday when she was talking about Tim Keller's True and Better video (worth watching if you didn't click on it in my previous post!).
As I read through the passage, I realized that I'd never read the whole thing--I was only familiar with parts of it (verse 5, via Third Day's song). As I read the chapter, my eyes almost filled with tears. Man, Jesus really is so worthy. Look at what He did for you and me!


1 Who has believed our message
and to whom has the arm of the LORD been revealed?
2 He grew up before him like a tender shoot,
and like a root out of dry ground.
He had no beauty or majesty to attract us to him,
nothing in his appearance that we should desire him.
3 He was despised and rejected by mankind,
a man of suffering, and familiar with pain.
Like one from whom people hide their faces
he was despised, and we held him in low esteem.

4 Surely he took up our pain
and bore our suffering,
yet we considered him punished by God,
stricken by him, and afflicted.
5 But he was pierced for our transgressions,
he was crushed for our iniquities;
the punishment that brought us peace was on him,
and by his wounds we are healed.
6 We all, like sheep, have gone astray,
each of us has turned to our own way;
and the LORD has laid on him
the iniquity of us all.

7 He was oppressed and afflicted,
yet he did not open his mouth;
he was led like a lamb to the slaughter,
and as a sheep before its shearers is silent,
so he did not open his mouth.
8 By oppression and judgment he was taken away.
Yet who of his generation protested?
For he was cut off from the land of the living;
for the transgression of my people he was punished.
9 He was assigned a grave with the wicked,
and with the rich in his death,
though he had done no violence,
nor was any deceit in his mouth.

10 Yet it was the LORD’s will to crush him and cause him to suffer,
and though the LORD makes his life an offering for sin,
he will see his offspring and prolong his days,
and the will of the LORD will prosper in his hand.
11 After he has suffered,
he will see the light of life and be satisfied;
by his knowledge my righteous servant will justify many,
and he will bear their iniquities.
12 Therefore I will give him a portion among the great,
and he will divide the spoils with the strong,
because he poured out his life unto death,
and was numbered with the transgressors.
For he bore the sin of many,
and made intercession for the transgressors.


Man...that just leaves me speechless. I am in awe and gratitude, forever.

But afterwards, as we were rounding up everyone to regroup, the light bulb went off. This whole past week (starting Sunday with Pastor Jason Tarn's messages, I guess), God has been constantly reminding me of His love for me through His Son, through messages, songs, conversations, and ultimately His pure Word...essentially, He was renewing me in and through Christ. And guess what? That's the first part of our vision for this year :) Renewed by Christ, sent out to love.

:)

God, You are so, so good. Please, keep me within Your will every day, at all times, and keep me from straying. Keep my eyes on You as I make plans, meet new people, and build relationships. Let them all--every single one of them--be solely for Your glory.

Tuesday, August 16, 2011

refreshed by Your love.

Jesus, thank You for reminding me of how much You love me these past few days. It's just been so overwhelming in the best way possible. From a kids' storybook Bible to a spontaneous jam session, You've been continuously filling me up in preparation for going back to UTD. Please don't let me forget or forsake this love that You're re-growing in my heart for You. There really is no one else for me, none but Jesus.


This is one of the most awesome things I've ever seen. Makes me tear up.

Saturday, August 6, 2011

blissfully ignorant.

The only thing I've really been able to retain for mental records while shadowing is how my doctor treats her patients--she is so kind and gentle and really a great model for patient interaction. But when all the gynecology/oncology terms start flying around, it's hard not to tune them out, since I'm pretty sure I have very little idea of what they're saying.

...what scares me just a little is knowing that very soon, I'll have to know all those terms. I'll have to listen and pay attention and come up with diagnoses and treatments based on the patient's data. Will I know what I need to know by then? All the information seems so overwhelming...and I need to stop studying for classes just to pass the tests. This is real, and it can save or not save someone's life. I just trust and pray that I'll be ready when the time comes.


Eep?

Sunday, June 19, 2011

pet peeve.

After this weekend, I think I realized that one of my pet peeves--since I could never think of something that annoys me when asked about it--is when people follow or copy me when there is no need to do so. It's a little hard to explain without example, but I guess to try and clarify, it bugs me when someone is just following me and doing everything I'm doing without really making their own decisions (and this is in terms of really small things, too). I guess I should be flattered? Once a friend tried to justify it by quipping, "Imitation is the highest form of flattery." But it just gets annoying to me, I guess.

Wednesday, June 8, 2011

[p11] songs

Mmm. I love listening to the Passion 2011 CD. Each song is so good, brings back good memories, and is comforting to me in the midst of my frustration and lack of fellowship. Praise God for music :)

...and then it reminds me of the three posts I have yet to write to finish recording that weekend. lol

Tuesday, May 3, 2011

fifteen.

Just for kicks: was asked to fill out a survey involving me "describing my personality" (very open to interpretation, in my opinion) in 15 straight minutes of typing...here's what I got. Thought it'd make for an interesting read, maybe? Or quasi-reflection. Who knows.

I still need to finish blogging about Passion, lol....fail.


"Haha, this is weird. I think personality is always hard to describe, especially when you're doing a self-evaluation. I guess writing style is encompassed in one's personality, so here goes my attempt to convey who I am via a timed writing prompt.
There always seem to be differences when we ask how we see ourselves versus how others see us (or perhaps how we think they see us). I guess I would describe myself as a pretty friendly and outgoing person. I love meeting and talking to new people in a group setting, especially if it seems like no one else is doing it. As an ESFJ (yes, I'm quoting the Meyers-Brigg personality test), I suppose that represents the extrovert in me. However, there are a few times--rare, but it happens--when I just want to get away from everyone and walk around by myself and pray to God about whatever is on my heart.
I would also say I'm a loving person, but I can only love others because God loved me first through sending His Son, Jesus Christ, into the world to die for my sins and rise again from the grave. Who Jesus is to me plays a big role in my life, both in my everyday minor actions as well as in my plans and goals for the future. I find a lot of comfort in God's sovereignty and control. Through that, I do not regret anything that happens in my life because I believe that everything, big and small, happens for a specific reason, even if I don't know what the reason is. My religious beliefs are an integral part of who I am, even though my parents are atheist and never really talk about religion unless my sister and I bring it up with them.
I like to talk a lot, and I feel like I've further developed the skill of small talk ever since coming to college and especially this year through serving in my campus fellowship, Intervarsity Christian Fellowship. However, I don't always easily open up about what is really bothering me when I talk to someone, even if I know him or her pretty well. It stemmed from a series of small occurrences back when I was in high school, and it's hard to describe how I changed to become less vulnerable with others, but I don't always share my burdens with those around me because I either think they wouldn't care or that they have enough to deal with on their own.
(Sorry, I know this is really scatterbrained. I wish my writing style was more fluid and connected. I've been trying to blog more often in an attempt to attain the aforementioned fluidity in my writing, but it is obviously failing.)
I go out of my way to help others because that's what Jesus did, and I want to live my life like He did. I'll usually happily sacrifice study time to help out someone, whether through talking to them or actually doing something for them. Then again, I guess I'm not the best at studying hard. I've somehow been able to keep my grades up throughout my schooling experience, which I guess would make people say that I'm smart...but "smartness" can be defined in so many ways, and there are so many things for me to learn each day.
I can also be stubborn and strong-willed, which has caused some people to tell me in the past that I intimidate them. That actually made me feel really bad because I don't want people to be scared of me, but I know that sometimes I take control in a very assertive way, which can be intimidating.
There's so much more to write, but I can't think of it now. I'm a very detail-oriented person, and I really enjoy planning and organizing events. Delegating tasks to others has been something I've gradually been learning to do in the midst of planning and organizing, but it's an important skill for any effective leader.
I like to bake and sing and take strolls outside. I like to play sports just for fun, since I'm not that good at most of them. I text excessively. I think my time is up...well, it says that I can keep writing, but I think I'll stop here. That's what I can say about myself in 15 minutes."

wondering...

...were we ever friends? What really makes a friendship? Was even that aspect a repeat of the first time around? That would make me a little sad.


But then I see and experience the beauty of reconciliation, brought about by none other than the one God who reconciled us to Himself through the ultimate sacrifice of His Son, Jesus. :) One's still rough in the going, but the other is such a huge encouragement to me; definitely worth the wait.

Sunday, April 10, 2011

[p11] the koso.

Lunch was pretty good (and impressive! Tim and I were wondering how Jason's Deli put together 10,000+ box lunches in one morning...), and the weather was beautiful, praise God. :) Listening to school cheers as we waited for the next session to start made me realize how many Aggies there were at Passion, haha...

Kristian Stanfill led the next worship set to open up the afternoon. He's got a good voice!
At every Passion conference, the attendees are challenged to raise money for a certain goal or goals. Louie opened the afternoon session with a quick summary of what Atlanta 2011 raised--over $1 million for over ten different causes! Praise God :) Seeing the power of a LOT of college students together made me tear up. Together, we really are a force for good.
Louie then told us our goal--to raise $220,000 over the weekend to fund a 5-year translation project to bring 90 Bible stories from the NT to the Koso people in Mali, one of 6,782 unreached people groups in the world. That number in itself breaks my heart...God, please continue to reveal Yourself to the lost.
We got to see a video of the Koso people, which included the testimonies of the few who are Christians among the Koso. The stories we were raising money for would be translated into what's called their "heart language", the language they speak at home with their families, as opposed to a trade language used for business. Especially after seeing the video Patrick shared with me about what it's like to receive the New Testament for the first time, I was reminded once again of the real saving power of the Word of God, and that it's something we should never take for granted. Let Your Word move in power, God! Touch the lives of the 500,000 Koso people who are still waiting for a Savior.

[p11] what makes sense.

After morning CG was another main session! Charlie Hall led worship this time (his goatee = awesome, almost as awesome as the Crowder, haha). One of the songs he sang was Matt Maher's "Christ is Risen", which I love. When we got to the bridge, I started bawling.

O death, where is your sting?
O hell, where is your victory?
O church, come stand in the light,
Our God is not dead--He's alive!


I don't know what it was, but the worship at Passion really touched my heart in so many ways, and tears regularly streamed from my eyes during pretty much every worship set, especially on Saturday. Sometimes I would just look around as I sang and once again be struck in awe of how many people were worshiping God in spirit and in truth, just as He calls us to. Many times, I would just really be convicted of the words I was singing; the lyrics were always so beautiful. I love all of the songs on this year's Passion: Here For You CD.

Francis Chan came to speak to us Saturday morning, which was also pretty exciting. Near the beginning of his talk, he suddenly and unexpectedly broke down on stage and began to cry, and it was so moving to see his heart break for those (at Passion) who did not know Jesus. In the same way, it reminded me that our desperation and heart for the lost can't even compare to how God feels and yearns for them, and it convicted me of the urgency of praying for the lost, sharing the gospel with them, and living a life worthy of the gospel as a witness to them. Like Francis said, as badly as we want people to fall in love with Jesus, no matter how perfectly we set up the situation, we cannot change their hearts. Only He can do that.
In his talk, Francis stressed the importance of looking at our lives and weighing them against the gospel and seeing what does and doesn't make sense. He shared about his travels to India and China and some of the stories of persecuted brothers and sisters over there. When he shared with fellow believers in China about the church in America, he said that they laughed pretty hard and then picked up the Bible and said, "You got that from reading this book?"
Not gonna lie, that's pretty convicting. And discouraging. Why is the church in America so dead, so lacking in the Holy Spirit? More thoughts on that sometime later...but oftentimes, it makes it so hard to witness to others living in America. Yet, if God is calling us to stay and minister in the U.S., we cannot run away to other countries on the premise of mission trips (not denouncing mission trips in any way), as difficult as it may be.

[p11] beautiful things.

So after a rough night of struggling with loneliness, I woke up ready for more Passion. We parked farther (but it was free!) and were a little late to morning CG session, but it's okay.

Our focus in morning community groups was Phil. 2:1-11...mmm, what a good passage.
"Therefore if you have any encouragement from being united with Christ, if any comfort from his love, if any common sharing in the Spirit, if any tenderness and compassion, then make my joy complete by being like-minded, having the same love, being one in spirit and of one mind. Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others. In your relationships with one another, have the same mindset as Christ Jesus: who, being in very nature God, did not consider equality with God something to be used to his own advantage; rather, he made himself nothing by taking the very nature of a servant, being made in human likeness. And being found in appearance as a man, he humbled himself by becoming obedient to death—even death on a cross! Therefore God exalted him to the highest place and gave him the name that is above every name, that at the name of Jesus every knee should bow, in heaven and on earth and under the earth, and every tongue acknowledge that Jesus Christ is Lord, to the glory of God the Father."
He opened with a reference to the Spartans and their warrior mindset; some points that really struck me:
They had focus and unity.
Their motto: "My sword is for my enemy, but my shield is for my brother."
They moved as one body and thus were a formidable, undefeatable force. What would we look like as the body of Christ if we lived in complete unity with one another, focused on the one prize we are all called to?
Why do we run after empty glory? Clamor only leads to trample. We are called to be citizens of heaven, even as we live our lives here on earth.


Man...there's just so much in that passage. Reflecting on it brought/brings me to tears. How could Jesus, our Savior and King, bear to humiliate Himself--in infinite condescension--to our level? And at the same time, He did not consider or use to His advantage the fact that He is God...wow. That blows me away. His name truly is the name above every name. What an honor to bear that name :)


How do you dislodge a beautiful thing from the heart? By replacing it with something even more beautiful.

Saturday, April 9, 2011

[p11] CG1 + DCB

As we headed out to our community groups (based on the color of our wristbands) after the main session, I just remember looking around at all the people who were there and again being struck by the sheer number of people gathered in His name. Very cool :)

Once we got to the gold room (and I randomly saw Daniel Lu and Sonya!), we were quickly split into family groups where we didn't know anyone in the group. We introduced ourselves--everyone was from Texas, except for one girl from Colorado--and talked briefly about the first session. My family = Caleb, Cameron, Dylan, Michael, Brooke, Shaley, Alyssa, Christa, and me.
Something that I thought was pretty neat was that our CG leader was Ben Stuart, who's the head of Breakaway Ministries at A&M. All I know about Breakaway (from Derek) is that it's a HUGE weekly Bible study at A&M--something I wish I could attend somehow before I graduate--and I just thought it was cool to have a slight link in my mind. I like Ben. He's really funny. :)

Since the first CG session was mostly introductions, we were let out soon after so we could go see David Crowder Band! The only band I've seen live multiple times (because of FPC's undying loyalty to them, haha), but they're always good. And crazy.
They sang Sometimes! The song I heard on WorshipTogether that was new. In the bridge, there's this one line I love:
Let's risk the ocean, there's only grace
I don't know; there's just something about the truth and magnitude of that line that stirred in my heart. What do we have to lose? Nothing. Let's risk the ocean, let's risk the world...because there is only grace. There always has been and always will be grace unending.

And as they ended with "Shadows", this lyric really stuck out to me:
When all seems lost, when we're thrown and we're tossed
We'll remember the cost we're resting in--the shadow of the cross
I know I have the Church Music album, but I haven't listened to it nearly as much...I just liked that reminder. That we rest in the shadow of the cross, something not to be taken lightly.

And then! Lecrae came on, haha. I didn't actually know it was him until he said it after a couple of songs, but it was certainly interesting. I guess I've never really been into Christian rap, mostly because I feel like it just confuses me. Rap as a genre reminds me of the usual rap music, which mostly focuses on very secular topics--drugs, sex, money--but then Christian rappers are speaking the truth. I don't know. While Lecrae sang, the atmosphere in the arena felt to me a bit like a club, which was awkward and confusing. Do you dance to the music? Sway?
It didn't matter; I decided to listen to his lyrics, and I really liked them. So much truth. (only one line I remember, but it was, "If ignorance is bliss, that's because you don't know Jesus." Amen!) He's a good rapper and really desires to give the glory to God. I walked away that night with more respect for Christian rap and perhaps a slightly greater inclination to listen to it. Wow, my writing style is very poor.

Thinking about Lecrae reminds me of something Louie mentioned on Sunday. He was giving a shoutout to the interpreters for the deaf who interpreted all of the messages, as well as the songs, and he was talking about how he was just staring open-mouthed at them when they were signing during Lecrae's songs. Haha, I wish I could've thought to do the same...must have been intense!
But speaking of the interpreters, I remember seeing them near the stage sometime earlier Friday night during worship and thinking that it was really neat to have them there (Rogers, anyone?). Something else I found out--watching them sign during worship songs really touched me and moved me to tears, for some reason...I guess just seeing the emotion of the song in a more visual way--hard to describe--but it was really awesome to me.

[p11] friday night session.

Well, I guess I'll just pick up where I left off and record as many details as I remember. Overall thoughts to come later? Maybe.

Anyhoo, Louie came out to welcome us to Passion and start us off. I'd never heard him speak, except for the clip on laminin, so that was pretty exciting. I actually didn't take notes the first night, because I felt like what he was saying wasn't anything particularly new, but I jotted down what I did remember the next morning. He was speaking on Phil. 1:1-26, with a focus on verses 1 and 21.

"Paul and Timothy, servants of Christ Jesus, to all God’s holy people in Christ Jesus at Philippi, together with the overseers and deacons" - Phil. 1:1
As with many of the introductions in the epistles, we (at least I) often overlook the first couple of sentences and just skip over those in order to get to the "meatier" and more memorize-worthy verses. But Louie pointed out the gravity of the first seven words: Paul lists himself and Timothy as servants of Christ Jesus. Who presents themselves in that way nowadays? Would I go around saying, "Hi, I'm Anna, and I'm a servant of Christ Jesus. What about you?"
He followed up that point with the question, who do you serve? Who are you living for? Yourself, or Jesus? It was a good reminder of how easily I center my life around myself, when it was never, ever about me in the first place.

"For to me, to live is Christ, and to die is gain." - Phil 1:21
This verse is more well-known, but also probably overlooked in its gravity. I think for a long time I never really understood what Paul was talking about--his short statement seemed powerful but too abstract for me to grasp. But Louie phrased it like this: "For me, my life is all about Jesus, and that is my ultimate focus and goal each day of my life. But, if you take my life, that is the ultimate gain, for I will get to be with God!" John Piper put it another way: "You let me live, you get more Jesus. You take my life, I get more Jesus!" That. is. awesome.
Oftentimes, Louie pointed out that we switch it around, and we claim that to live is gain, and to die is Christ. We live ultimately for our own selfish gain, but it's okay if we die, because we'll be with Jesus when we do. Though that's not totally off, it's still not how Jesus lived, and it's not how He is calling us to live. That was pretty impactful for me.
The last thing I remember Louie talking about that first night was the "university moment"--the moment in your college experience when you make the decisions that change the trajectory of your life--since he was talking about how he got started with founding Passion and such. It reminded me and convicted me--that's why college ministry is so important! I remember when I was younger, always hearing speakers talk about how blessed we high schoolers (or younger) were to already be born-again believers, since most of them didn't get to find Jesus until college, and I didn't really get it. But now that I'm in college, I can more fully grasp the concept of the university moment, the idea that college is a time when we're older, we're legally adults, and many decisions that we make in these four years will impact us, our trajectory, for the rest of our lives. Wow, talk about the gravity of college ministry and sharing with my peers, right? But it also encouraged me to keep pressing on and looking for ways to share about Jesus with my friends at this point in our lives.

As we closed off the session with worship, Christy Nockels was leading us in Revelation Song, and the lyrics moved me to tears (a pattern, I was soon to discover, for the entire weekend). Such a marvelous mystery, indeed. :)

I remember looking down at my hands and thinking...Wow. Jesus' hands--the hands of the Son of God--were pierced, nailed to a tree, in order that I could lift my wretched ones to Him in praise. That is love.

//
[p11] lonely.
After Lecrae finished up the night, we all headed back to the hotel (six girls + two guys + two rooms = fun...?). We hadn't really eaten dinner, so Caroline made some Korean Ramen-type noodles while people showered, and then everyone ate afterwards and just chilled.


Hmm. So I don't know what happened or why this happened, but I felt incredibly lonely and neglected on Friday night (well, I guess it kinda happened both nights, but more so Friday) back at the hotel. To be honest, my time at the hotel after the evening sessions was my least favorite part of the weekend. I know I should be thankful, and I am, that I was able to go with this group of people (mostly freshmen from UTD), only have to pay $20 for both nights, have a ride to and from the hotels, etc. I just...I don't know. During those two nights, I really had to fight against lies in my mind and draw near to Jesus instead.
I remember realizing a couple of nights before Passion that I would be the only non-Korean in our group, and wondering if that would be a problem. On Friday night, it occurred to me again, and I wasn't sure if that was the problem--it most likely was at least part of it. At least from that weekend, I felt very alienated from the girls, and I don't know how much of that was because they're Korean. I just felt like they were very meticulous and devoted a lot of time and energy to the way they looked, especially in the morning as we got ready and got dressed, etc. I know I'm one of the least typical/girly girls that I know, especially when it comes to how I dress, how little effort I put into getting ready in the morning (ie. no makeup) and that's probably why, but I just felt...like I wasn't beautiful? because I wasn't putting in as much effort, physically or mentally, into my appearance. I don't know if that's the best way to put it, but I can't think of an alternative at the moment.

I don't know what made Friday night so bad, but I just remember personally feeling an extreme lack of community and love. I showered right before I knew everyone else was going to eat and then just ate a granola bar in the girls' room while everyone ate in the guys' room. I don't know what was wrong with me, but I just felt like I didn't want to be with them but also that they didn't want me to be there. I wandered around outside for a bit, crying out to Jesus for comfort, but it was really hard to find that night. And it was so weird, feeling like that just an hour or two after I'd felt so close to Him during worship. I think it also didn't help that I wanted to talk to Derek, but he was super busy and then needed to go to sleep, especially after hearing Jean tell me about her and Chris and things he always did for her. I guess it made me feel neglected by him, too...?

I don't know. I was in anguish that night, though. It was so weird! It also sucked to realize that sometimes I just drown myself in self-pity (was I doing that on Friday night?) because I probably could've made the effort to hang out with everyone else, and they wouldn't have objected...but I just felt like they were not inviting me. Reminded me of the importance of reaching out to others; it really sucks to not have anyone in an entire group care about you or reach out to you when you're just hanging out by yourself. At least that's how I felt that night.
Thankfully, I finally just went to sleep (instead of playing Taboo or Tunk with the others) on the kitchen floor. That was not a fun place to sleep, either.


Wow, talk about an attention-seeking, self-pitying girl.

[p11] initial thoughts

So this is a week late, but I really just need to sit myself down and record my thoughts/experiences from my first Passion conference, otherwise I will forget everything I haven't already...here were my initial thoughts from last Sunday night; I'll post this for now and then keep going in shorter posts. Whee!

//

[Warning...this will likely be very long, harking back to my I-need-to-record-every-single-detail Xanga days. But it's okay. Hopefully, it will serve me in the future, near or far, when I might not be feeling as close to Jesus as I'd like. Here goes!]

Well. Suffice it to say that I haven't posted on this thing in quite a while...and if my thoughts that I want to blog could take visual form, there would be a major backup, akin to Houston or Dallas traffic, sigh...Breakthrough, Wall of Brokenness, feeding the homeless and walking over a mile to where they live, a birthday surprise fitting to start off my 20th year of life, discipleship with Joyce, IV in general, Spring Break (!)--with Apeksha and her family, Durga Mandir, Indian food and movies, plus NYC with Derek and his dad--and now Passion. Hopefully I can cross off at least that last one by the end of this post.

I still remember signing up for Passion. It was during the snow break back in February, and I realized it was the last day to sign up for early registration cost (though it was only a ten-dollar difference in the end), since I'd heard about it from Daniel and how it never really came out to Fort Worth, so close to Dallas. I remember texting a bunch of people I thought would know about Passion, and the general reply was to go if I got the chance. Daniel told me not to worry about lodging and transportation, and God has blessed me with so many financial resources, so I decided to sign up. Whee!
I then kinda forgot about it for a while, since it was still a few months away, and school/IV took over my thoughts. A couple of weeks ago, we started discussing lodging and transportation (and food, haha) issues, which finally got figured out--the day before, it seems!--praise God. We went to buy towels and socks, printed tickets and maps/directions, Facebook-messaged a lot within 48 hours (mostly about food) and suddenly it was Friday afternoon and time to go to Fort Worth!
To be honest, I came into this weekend with almost no expectations/not knowing what to expect. The Passion website was not very descriptive, and all I knew was that it was an annual, huge, well-known Christian conference for college kids. I also hadn't given myself much time to prepare my heart, since I'd been out of town the two days prior to leaving, too. Whew. I feel like I have a (bad?) tendency to not really mentally/spiritually prepare myself for big events (conferences or otherwise). I guess it's good in the sense that I don't set unrealistic or super-high standards and won't get disappointed, but I need to become more regular at expecting great things from my great God. He doesn't deserve any less. But praise Him! that He always blows me away, despite my unpreparedness and unfaithfulness.

The ride there wasn't too eventful; I played role of backseat navigator, we hit some traffic, passed our hotel, but we finally found it. We dumped all our stuff into the two rooms and rushed off to the conference center, since we were a little late. We dropped off three of the passengers, took the closest $10 parking, walked down six flights of stairs, saw a TON of people still walking around and registering--in addition to all the (awesome!) doorholders in orange--went inside, got our GOLD wristbands, then headed to the arena.

Man...walking into a room filled with 10,000+ other worshipers during Chris Tomlin's "Our God" is really something else. I just looked around the room in awe. The lyrics rang so true in my ears--truly, only our God, who is greater than ANY other, could call so many university students to His name, to fall at His feet and worship Him! God is so good. :) We took our seats, worshiped some more, did a three-way (well, ours was four) prayer for a little bit, then Louie Giglio came out for our first main session talk.



Overall:
The music was/is AMAZING. Live or not. Still listening to some of Chris Tomlin's songs on loop right now. [still true!]

Monday, March 21, 2011

insecurities.

"cause I’ve been housing all this doubt and insecurity
I’ve been locked inside that house, all the while You hold the key
and I’ve been dying to get out and that might be the death of me
even though there’s no way in knowing where to go, promise I’m going
because I gotta get outta here
cause I’m afraid that this complacency is something I can’t shake
I gotta get outta here
and I’m begging You, I’m begging You, I’m begging You to be my escape"


Relient K, you put it so well.

Wednesday, February 2, 2011

inner power.

I was talking to one of my friends the other day about a bunch of random things, and Harry Potter came up. He was explaining his one bone to pick with Harry Potter...
"The one thing that bugs me about Harry Potter is how they'll walk around without using all the spells they know; they'll just stick to a few common ones--for example, they'll only use Avada Kedavra to kill someone instead of being a little more creative. It's like they're walking around as if they were just regular ordinary people, not knowing the power that's inside of them."

And even as he was talking, the parallelism between what he was saying and how we as Christ-followers choose to live our lives was flooding my thoughts. Man, how often do we--who have been saved by grace and now have the Holy Spirit residing in us--walk around as if we were just normal people, unsaved sinners, not knowing or using the power that is inside of us? It breaks my heart to even look just at my own life and see how often I do that. It's so easy to forget, but always so refreshing to remember. The same power that conquered the grave lives in me. The same love that rescued the earth lives in me.

Wow. :)

hosea.

"Come, let us return to the LORD;
for he has torn us, that he may heal us;
he has struck us down, and he will bind us up.
After two days he will revive us;
on the third day he will raise us up,
that we may live before him.
Let us know; let us press on to know the LORD;
his going out is sure as the dawn;
he will come to us as the showers,
as the spring rains that water the earth."

God's promise is so beautiful and so apparent in Hosea 6:1-3; reading it this morning really blew me away. The way God orchestrates everything perfectly is definitely something that He's been constantly reminding me of, especially since Trinidad. I love serving and following a God who enjoys blowing my mind on a daily basis :) praise Him always for His saving grace!

puzzle pieces.

Something Bekah said at leadership retreat a couple weeks ago, about our team working together:
"We're all like puzzle pieces...each of us has extra in some areas and holes in others, but when we all come together, we complement each other with our unique strengths and weaknesses."

iced in.

No school for three days (and counting...)! Craziness. There's so much white and ice everywhere, even covering the parking lots and sidewalks! It's hard to leave footprints on ice...which I guess makes sense, but it had never occurred to me.



On another note...I just registered for Passion 2011 (!), coming to Fort Worth, first weekend of April. Still a little unsure of how I feel about it, I think, partially because I felt like it was a last-minute, almost impulsive decision? (But I know God works even through those, praise Him.) Yesterday was the last day to register for the lowest price, so I just started asking a bunch of people what they knew about the conference. Not surprisingly, I got all positive feedback, since I sorta knew that it was a very big and popular conference with a lot of well-known speakers and artists. Wow, I don't even know where I'm going with this...but I'm going, and it's always nice on the other side of making a decision, haha. I'm not that excited yet, but I know I will be as the date approaches. Guess we'll see what God wants to show me through it!

Friday, January 28, 2011

funny sounds.

I was wiping the dust off of the keyboard that's been taking residence under my bed (no, it's not mine) as storage for IV, and the keys sounded really funny when I pressed them down as I was cleaning them. For some reason, they were squeaky, whereas keyboards can usually produce a wide variety of sound, not just piano. It occurred to me that it was because they weren't plugged in, and somehow God used that to convict me...that's how we sound. That's how I sound. Squeaky and wrong, when I'm not plugged into Him, my source of joy, strength, comfort...my source of everything.



...also, I just realized, I have no idea where the title of my blog came from. It doesn't really make sense, now that I think about it. Oops? Maybe I should try to come up with something else.

Wednesday, January 19, 2011

chaos.

"Ever heard of chaos theory, Ed? It's a science that tries to determine underlying patterns in chaotic systems like weather, ocean currents, blood flow--that sort of thing. But it turns out that there are few things more chaotic than the beat of a human heart. Its beating up, slowing down. Pretty face, flirty stares. It's always changing, based on what's happening to ourselves out there...But underneath all of that bump-da-bump mess, there is in fact a pattern, the truth, and it's love. The most important thing about love is that we choose to give it, and we choose to receive it, making it the least random act in the entire universe. It transcends blood, it transcends betrayal and all the dirt, and it makes us human."
-Frank Allen (Ryan Reynolds), from "Chaos Theory"

:)

Tuesday, January 18, 2011

back to [insert month].

"So this is me swallowing my pride, standing in front of you saying I'm sorry for that night.
I go back to December all the time...wishing I'd realized what I had when you were mine."
-Taylor Swift, Back to December

Ah, Taylor Swift. I'd heard this song before, but I think the lyrics never really struck me until it was playing in Evonne's car on the way back to Dallas last week. As I listened to the chorus, I felt like Taylor's guilty and regretful feelings resonated with my own regarding past relationships, especially in high school. I tend not to dwell on those particular friendships (with guys) very much nowadays, maybe because I know it hurts too much to think about how prideful I was, how selfish I was, wanting all of the attention and yet not reciprocating. Hearing those lyrics really brought me to my knees, wishing I had realized how much I had in those friendships, wishing I had treated them right, or at least treated them better.
I know they won't ever read this blog, but it doesn't change how I feel now, looking back. I'm sorry, for that night, for all those nights. I'm sorry for leading you on, for not valuing you as the good friend that you were. I'm sorry for blurring the lines, for overlooking the hurt and confusion you must have felt sometimes (or a lot of the time), for taking you for granted.


...and yet, in the midst of all of that, I find comfort. Comfort in the knowledge of God's sovereignty. I guess part of me wishes I could go back and change things, but when I think about it, I don't want to do that. Not only because I know that I can't, but because I know that God planned all of that. He planned and orchestrated all of those friendships, even the times of hurt and confusion and guilt. I know He definitely used each of those instances to teach me, and I hope and pray that they were learning experiences for you as well. I pray that one day you can forgive me and know that even though it may have seemed that it was for your hurt, that God intended it for good (Genesis 50:20).
Even as I listen to the song "Back to December" and think about how depressing it is, God whispers lovingly in my ear, "There is a time for everything. I don't make mistakes. Don't worry about it."
Cue Matt Maher's "For Your Glory."

Monday, January 17, 2011

snow and ice.

(Meant to post this last week when there was still actually snow and ice outside my window, but alas, time and sunshine and laziness has led to another belated post.)

As I walked through the snow--a real rarity in Dallas--one night last week, I remember stepping onto the sidewalk and almost slipping on a frozen puddle of ice that was hard to see in the dark. It made me think of how, even in the midst of God's beautiful winter wonderland creations, the enemy tries to trick us and make us stumble in a tricky, inconspicuous manner, like the almost-unseen ice on the ground. But God is light, and He shines His light into the darkness that we can see and avoid those schemes.

parched.

You, God, are my God,
earnestly I seek you;
I thirst for you,
my whole being longs for you,
in a dry and parched land
where there is no water.
-Psalm 63:1

What a beautiful comparison. This morning, looking at my dry and cracked hands, I was reminded of this verse. I guess deserts are a bit hard to come by in Texas, so the psalmist's image doesn't resonate quite as well with me, but the skin on my hands and face is the same as the land in the verse. It is crying out, thirsty, desperate for moisture, before it cracks and begins to bleed.

It was a reminder to keep seeking Him, earnestly. I want my faith to always be like that. I want to yearn for God with my whole being, my whole soul, every morning when I wake up. I want to want Him more than my skin cells cry out for lotion, more than my throat cries out for water after running on a cold day.

Thursday, January 13, 2011

wednesdays.

So today was the first Wednesday of my semester. Twas very nice--praise God for multiple catch-ups, especially the ones that are particularly long, and some yummy food.
Wednesdays are my free day this spring, my no-class break in the middle of the week (which will soon be turned into study-and-cram day before organic chemistry or genetics). With some luck, it could possibly be shadowing day. It could include hip hop silliness (and fun?) in the evenings. With these (currently) empty Wednesdays in my schedule this semester, I'm wondering and kind of excited to see how God will use them to glorify Himself and further His kingdom...whether through displaying His creativity in the human body, through reminding me that any intelligence my brain possesses comes from Him alone, through granting me opportunities to meet up with people and pour into them/be poured into, as well as to love on friends, new and old...mmm, the possibilities :)


Yet now it is no longer Wednesday, and organic chemistry will be calling for my attention in precisely 7.5 hours. Off to bed!

bloglog.

Why am I so bad with blogging/journaling regularly? I wonder if it really is the E in me (like Patrick always claims). Either way, I would like to blog more often, simply because I want to capture at least a few of the thoughts that always bottle up in my mind and escape unrecorded due to my laziness. Journaling nightly (definitely a first) in Trinidad also helped me want to record my thoughts more often, maybe just because it showed me that I could.

And then seeing a post on Kimberly Chau's blog about the importance of both keeping a personal journal/diary as well as a blog felt like an extra reminder from God :)
I guess this would count as one of my unofficial New Year's resolutions? Since I didn't make an actual list...so here begin my attempts to spend more time reflecting, thinking about and recording how God has been working in my life, in my day-to-day experiences...and being still, knowing that He is God, nothing more and nothing less.

Friday, January 7, 2011

immature.

There is just so much to learn about being an adult. Helping my parents go over their seller's disclosure with their realtor, I'm realizing how much I don't want to grow up, don't want to learn how to buy or sell houses, don't want to figure out insurance policies and PPOs. When is it time to grow up, to be mature, to shake off the blinds of childhood and learn real-world business? And when is it time to cling to youth, to spend just a few more moments as simply the child of the family, the one who parents can tell, "Don't worry about it"?
...man, I don't even want to go back to school in three days.

And yet I'm so excited for what God has in store for me (and everyone around me) this upcoming year, even this upcoming week. :) praise God for His everlasting hope. More thoughts later.