Lunch was pretty good (and impressive! Tim and I were wondering how Jason's Deli put together 10,000+ box lunches in one morning...), and the weather was beautiful, praise God. :) Listening to school cheers as we waited for the next session to start made me realize how many Aggies there were at Passion, haha...
Kristian Stanfill led the next worship set to open up the afternoon. He's got a good voice!
At every Passion conference, the attendees are challenged to raise money for a certain goal or goals. Louie opened the afternoon session with a quick summary of what Atlanta 2011 raised--over $1 million for over ten different causes! Praise God :) Seeing the power of a LOT of college students together made me tear up. Together, we really are a force for good.
Louie then told us our goal--to raise $220,000 over the weekend to fund a 5-year translation project to bring 90 Bible stories from the NT to the Koso people in Mali, one of 6,782 unreached people groups in the world. That number in itself breaks my heart...God, please continue to reveal Yourself to the lost.
We got to see a video of the Koso people, which included the testimonies of the few who are Christians among the Koso. The stories we were raising money for would be translated into what's called their "heart language", the language they speak at home with their families, as opposed to a trade language used for business. Especially after seeing the video Patrick shared with me about what it's like to receive the New Testament for the first time, I was reminded once again of the real saving power of the Word of God, and that it's something we should never take for granted. Let Your Word move in power, God! Touch the lives of the 500,000 Koso people who are still waiting for a Savior.
Sunday, April 10, 2011
[p11] what makes sense.
After morning CG was another main session! Charlie Hall led worship this time (his goatee = awesome, almost as awesome as the Crowder, haha). One of the songs he sang was Matt Maher's "Christ is Risen", which I love. When we got to the bridge, I started bawling.
O death, where is your sting?
O hell, where is your victory?
O church, come stand in the light,
Our God is not dead--He's alive!
I don't know what it was, but the worship at Passion really touched my heart in so many ways, and tears regularly streamed from my eyes during pretty much every worship set, especially on Saturday. Sometimes I would just look around as I sang and once again be struck in awe of how many people were worshiping God in spirit and in truth, just as He calls us to. Many times, I would just really be convicted of the words I was singing; the lyrics were always so beautiful. I love all of the songs on this year's Passion: Here For You CD.
Francis Chan came to speak to us Saturday morning, which was also pretty exciting. Near the beginning of his talk, he suddenly and unexpectedly broke down on stage and began to cry, and it was so moving to see his heart break for those (at Passion) who did not know Jesus. In the same way, it reminded me that our desperation and heart for the lost can't even compare to how God feels and yearns for them, and it convicted me of the urgency of praying for the lost, sharing the gospel with them, and living a life worthy of the gospel as a witness to them. Like Francis said, as badly as we want people to fall in love with Jesus, no matter how perfectly we set up the situation, we cannot change their hearts. Only He can do that.
In his talk, Francis stressed the importance of looking at our lives and weighing them against the gospel and seeing what does and doesn't make sense. He shared about his travels to India and China and some of the stories of persecuted brothers and sisters over there. When he shared with fellow believers in China about the church in America, he said that they laughed pretty hard and then picked up the Bible and said, "You got that from reading this book?"
Not gonna lie, that's pretty convicting. And discouraging. Why is the church in America so dead, so lacking in the Holy Spirit? More thoughts on that sometime later...but oftentimes, it makes it so hard to witness to others living in America. Yet, if God is calling us to stay and minister in the U.S., we cannot run away to other countries on the premise of mission trips (not denouncing mission trips in any way), as difficult as it may be.
O death, where is your sting?
O hell, where is your victory?
O church, come stand in the light,
Our God is not dead--He's alive!
I don't know what it was, but the worship at Passion really touched my heart in so many ways, and tears regularly streamed from my eyes during pretty much every worship set, especially on Saturday. Sometimes I would just look around as I sang and once again be struck in awe of how many people were worshiping God in spirit and in truth, just as He calls us to. Many times, I would just really be convicted of the words I was singing; the lyrics were always so beautiful. I love all of the songs on this year's Passion: Here For You CD.
Francis Chan came to speak to us Saturday morning, which was also pretty exciting. Near the beginning of his talk, he suddenly and unexpectedly broke down on stage and began to cry, and it was so moving to see his heart break for those (at Passion) who did not know Jesus. In the same way, it reminded me that our desperation and heart for the lost can't even compare to how God feels and yearns for them, and it convicted me of the urgency of praying for the lost, sharing the gospel with them, and living a life worthy of the gospel as a witness to them. Like Francis said, as badly as we want people to fall in love with Jesus, no matter how perfectly we set up the situation, we cannot change their hearts. Only He can do that.
In his talk, Francis stressed the importance of looking at our lives and weighing them against the gospel and seeing what does and doesn't make sense. He shared about his travels to India and China and some of the stories of persecuted brothers and sisters over there. When he shared with fellow believers in China about the church in America, he said that they laughed pretty hard and then picked up the Bible and said, "You got that from reading this book?"
Not gonna lie, that's pretty convicting. And discouraging. Why is the church in America so dead, so lacking in the Holy Spirit? More thoughts on that sometime later...but oftentimes, it makes it so hard to witness to others living in America. Yet, if God is calling us to stay and minister in the U.S., we cannot run away to other countries on the premise of mission trips (not denouncing mission trips in any way), as difficult as it may be.
[p11] beautiful things.
So after a rough night of struggling with loneliness, I woke up ready for more Passion. We parked farther (but it was free!) and were a little late to morning CG session, but it's okay.
Our focus in morning community groups was Phil. 2:1-11...mmm, what a good passage.
"Therefore if you have any encouragement from being united with Christ, if any comfort from his love, if any common sharing in the Spirit, if any tenderness and compassion, then make my joy complete by being like-minded, having the same love, being one in spirit and of one mind. Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others. In your relationships with one another, have the same mindset as Christ Jesus: who, being in very nature God, did not consider equality with God something to be used to his own advantage; rather, he made himself nothing by taking the very nature of a servant, being made in human likeness. And being found in appearance as a man, he humbled himself by becoming obedient to death—even death on a cross! Therefore God exalted him to the highest place and gave him the name that is above every name, that at the name of Jesus every knee should bow, in heaven and on earth and under the earth, and every tongue acknowledge that Jesus Christ is Lord, to the glory of God the Father."
He opened with a reference to the Spartans and their warrior mindset; some points that really struck me:
They had focus and unity.
Their motto: "My sword is for my enemy, but my shield is for my brother."
They moved as one body and thus were a formidable, undefeatable force. What would we look like as the body of Christ if we lived in complete unity with one another, focused on the one prize we are all called to?
Why do we run after empty glory? Clamor only leads to trample. We are called to be citizens of heaven, even as we live our lives here on earth.
Man...there's just so much in that passage. Reflecting on it brought/brings me to tears. How could Jesus, our Savior and King, bear to humiliate Himself--in infinite condescension--to our level? And at the same time, He did not consider or use to His advantage the fact that He is God...wow. That blows me away. His name truly is the name above every name. What an honor to bear that name :)
How do you dislodge a beautiful thing from the heart? By replacing it with something even more beautiful.
Our focus in morning community groups was Phil. 2:1-11...mmm, what a good passage.
"Therefore if you have any encouragement from being united with Christ, if any comfort from his love, if any common sharing in the Spirit, if any tenderness and compassion, then make my joy complete by being like-minded, having the same love, being one in spirit and of one mind. Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others. In your relationships with one another, have the same mindset as Christ Jesus: who, being in very nature God, did not consider equality with God something to be used to his own advantage; rather, he made himself nothing by taking the very nature of a servant, being made in human likeness. And being found in appearance as a man, he humbled himself by becoming obedient to death—even death on a cross! Therefore God exalted him to the highest place and gave him the name that is above every name, that at the name of Jesus every knee should bow, in heaven and on earth and under the earth, and every tongue acknowledge that Jesus Christ is Lord, to the glory of God the Father."
He opened with a reference to the Spartans and their warrior mindset; some points that really struck me:
They had focus and unity.
Their motto: "My sword is for my enemy, but my shield is for my brother."
They moved as one body and thus were a formidable, undefeatable force. What would we look like as the body of Christ if we lived in complete unity with one another, focused on the one prize we are all called to?
Why do we run after empty glory? Clamor only leads to trample. We are called to be citizens of heaven, even as we live our lives here on earth.
Man...there's just so much in that passage. Reflecting on it brought/brings me to tears. How could Jesus, our Savior and King, bear to humiliate Himself--in infinite condescension--to our level? And at the same time, He did not consider or use to His advantage the fact that He is God...wow. That blows me away. His name truly is the name above every name. What an honor to bear that name :)
How do you dislodge a beautiful thing from the heart? By replacing it with something even more beautiful.
Saturday, April 9, 2011
[p11] CG1 + DCB
As we headed out to our community groups (based on the color of our wristbands) after the main session, I just remember looking around at all the people who were there and again being struck by the sheer number of people gathered in His name. Very cool :)
Once we got to the gold room (and I randomly saw Daniel Lu and Sonya!), we were quickly split into family groups where we didn't know anyone in the group. We introduced ourselves--everyone was from Texas, except for one girl from Colorado--and talked briefly about the first session. My family = Caleb, Cameron, Dylan, Michael, Brooke, Shaley, Alyssa, Christa, and me.
Something that I thought was pretty neat was that our CG leader was Ben Stuart, who's the head of Breakaway Ministries at A&M. All I know about Breakaway (from Derek) is that it's a HUGE weekly Bible study at A&M--something I wish I could attend somehow before I graduate--and I just thought it was cool to have a slight link in my mind. I like Ben. He's really funny. :)
Since the first CG session was mostly introductions, we were let out soon after so we could go see David Crowder Band! The only band I've seen live multiple times (because of FPC's undying loyalty to them, haha), but they're always good. And crazy.
They sang Sometimes! The song I heard on WorshipTogether that was new. In the bridge, there's this one line I love:
Let's risk the ocean, there's only grace
I don't know; there's just something about the truth and magnitude of that line that stirred in my heart. What do we have to lose? Nothing. Let's risk the ocean, let's risk the world...because there is only grace. There always has been and always will be grace unending.
And as they ended with "Shadows", this lyric really stuck out to me:
When all seems lost, when we're thrown and we're tossed
We'll remember the cost we're resting in--the shadow of the cross
I know I have the Church Music album, but I haven't listened to it nearly as much...I just liked that reminder. That we rest in the shadow of the cross, something not to be taken lightly.
And then! Lecrae came on, haha. I didn't actually know it was him until he said it after a couple of songs, but it was certainly interesting. I guess I've never really been into Christian rap, mostly because I feel like it just confuses me. Rap as a genre reminds me of the usual rap music, which mostly focuses on very secular topics--drugs, sex, money--but then Christian rappers are speaking the truth. I don't know. While Lecrae sang, the atmosphere in the arena felt to me a bit like a club, which was awkward and confusing. Do you dance to the music? Sway?
It didn't matter; I decided to listen to his lyrics, and I really liked them. So much truth. (only one line I remember, but it was, "If ignorance is bliss, that's because you don't know Jesus." Amen!) He's a good rapper and really desires to give the glory to God. I walked away that night with more respect for Christian rap and perhaps a slightly greater inclination to listen to it. Wow, my writing style is very poor.
Thinking about Lecrae reminds me of something Louie mentioned on Sunday. He was giving a shoutout to the interpreters for the deaf who interpreted all of the messages, as well as the songs, and he was talking about how he was just staring open-mouthed at them when they were signing during Lecrae's songs. Haha, I wish I could've thought to do the same...must have been intense!
But speaking of the interpreters, I remember seeing them near the stage sometime earlier Friday night during worship and thinking that it was really neat to have them there (Rogers, anyone?). Something else I found out--watching them sign during worship songs really touched me and moved me to tears, for some reason...I guess just seeing the emotion of the song in a more visual way--hard to describe--but it was really awesome to me.
Once we got to the gold room (and I randomly saw Daniel Lu and Sonya!), we were quickly split into family groups where we didn't know anyone in the group. We introduced ourselves--everyone was from Texas, except for one girl from Colorado--and talked briefly about the first session. My family = Caleb, Cameron, Dylan, Michael, Brooke, Shaley, Alyssa, Christa, and me.
Something that I thought was pretty neat was that our CG leader was Ben Stuart, who's the head of Breakaway Ministries at A&M. All I know about Breakaway (from Derek) is that it's a HUGE weekly Bible study at A&M--something I wish I could attend somehow before I graduate--and I just thought it was cool to have a slight link in my mind. I like Ben. He's really funny. :)
Since the first CG session was mostly introductions, we were let out soon after so we could go see David Crowder Band! The only band I've seen live multiple times (because of FPC's undying loyalty to them, haha), but they're always good. And crazy.
They sang Sometimes! The song I heard on WorshipTogether that was new. In the bridge, there's this one line I love:
Let's risk the ocean, there's only grace
I don't know; there's just something about the truth and magnitude of that line that stirred in my heart. What do we have to lose? Nothing. Let's risk the ocean, let's risk the world...because there is only grace. There always has been and always will be grace unending.
And as they ended with "Shadows", this lyric really stuck out to me:
When all seems lost, when we're thrown and we're tossed
We'll remember the cost we're resting in--the shadow of the cross
I know I have the Church Music album, but I haven't listened to it nearly as much...I just liked that reminder. That we rest in the shadow of the cross, something not to be taken lightly.
And then! Lecrae came on, haha. I didn't actually know it was him until he said it after a couple of songs, but it was certainly interesting. I guess I've never really been into Christian rap, mostly because I feel like it just confuses me. Rap as a genre reminds me of the usual rap music, which mostly focuses on very secular topics--drugs, sex, money--but then Christian rappers are speaking the truth. I don't know. While Lecrae sang, the atmosphere in the arena felt to me a bit like a club, which was awkward and confusing. Do you dance to the music? Sway?
It didn't matter; I decided to listen to his lyrics, and I really liked them. So much truth. (only one line I remember, but it was, "If ignorance is bliss, that's because you don't know Jesus." Amen!) He's a good rapper and really desires to give the glory to God. I walked away that night with more respect for Christian rap and perhaps a slightly greater inclination to listen to it. Wow, my writing style is very poor.
Thinking about Lecrae reminds me of something Louie mentioned on Sunday. He was giving a shoutout to the interpreters for the deaf who interpreted all of the messages, as well as the songs, and he was talking about how he was just staring open-mouthed at them when they were signing during Lecrae's songs. Haha, I wish I could've thought to do the same...must have been intense!
But speaking of the interpreters, I remember seeing them near the stage sometime earlier Friday night during worship and thinking that it was really neat to have them there (Rogers, anyone?). Something else I found out--watching them sign during worship songs really touched me and moved me to tears, for some reason...I guess just seeing the emotion of the song in a more visual way--hard to describe--but it was really awesome to me.
[p11] friday night session.
Well, I guess I'll just pick up where I left off and record as many details as I remember. Overall thoughts to come later? Maybe.
Anyhoo, Louie came out to welcome us to Passion and start us off. I'd never heard him speak, except for the clip on laminin, so that was pretty exciting. I actually didn't take notes the first night, because I felt like what he was saying wasn't anything particularly new, but I jotted down what I did remember the next morning. He was speaking on Phil. 1:1-26, with a focus on verses 1 and 21.
"Paul and Timothy, servants of Christ Jesus, to all God’s holy people in Christ Jesus at Philippi, together with the overseers and deacons" - Phil. 1:1
As with many of the introductions in the epistles, we (at least I) often overlook the first couple of sentences and just skip over those in order to get to the "meatier" and more memorize-worthy verses. But Louie pointed out the gravity of the first seven words: Paul lists himself and Timothy as servants of Christ Jesus. Who presents themselves in that way nowadays? Would I go around saying, "Hi, I'm Anna, and I'm a servant of Christ Jesus. What about you?"
He followed up that point with the question, who do you serve? Who are you living for? Yourself, or Jesus? It was a good reminder of how easily I center my life around myself, when it was never, ever about me in the first place.
"For to me, to live is Christ, and to die is gain." - Phil 1:21
This verse is more well-known, but also probably overlooked in its gravity. I think for a long time I never really understood what Paul was talking about--his short statement seemed powerful but too abstract for me to grasp. But Louie phrased it like this: "For me, my life is all about Jesus, and that is my ultimate focus and goal each day of my life. But, if you take my life, that is the ultimate gain, for I will get to be with God!" John Piper put it another way: "You let me live, you get more Jesus. You take my life, I get more Jesus!" That. is. awesome.
Oftentimes, Louie pointed out that we switch it around, and we claim that to live is gain, and to die is Christ. We live ultimately for our own selfish gain, but it's okay if we die, because we'll be with Jesus when we do. Though that's not totally off, it's still not how Jesus lived, and it's not how He is calling us to live. That was pretty impactful for me.
The last thing I remember Louie talking about that first night was the "university moment"--the moment in your college experience when you make the decisions that change the trajectory of your life--since he was talking about how he got started with founding Passion and such. It reminded me and convicted me--that's why college ministry is so important! I remember when I was younger, always hearing speakers talk about how blessed we high schoolers (or younger) were to already be born-again believers, since most of them didn't get to find Jesus until college, and I didn't really get it. But now that I'm in college, I can more fully grasp the concept of the university moment, the idea that college is a time when we're older, we're legally adults, and many decisions that we make in these four years will impact us, our trajectory, for the rest of our lives. Wow, talk about the gravity of college ministry and sharing with my peers, right? But it also encouraged me to keep pressing on and looking for ways to share about Jesus with my friends at this point in our lives.
As we closed off the session with worship, Christy Nockels was leading us in Revelation Song, and the lyrics moved me to tears (a pattern, I was soon to discover, for the entire weekend). Such a marvelous mystery, indeed. :)
I remember looking down at my hands and thinking...Wow. Jesus' hands--the hands of the Son of God--were pierced, nailed to a tree, in order that I could lift my wretched ones to Him in praise. That is love.
//
[p11] lonely.
After Lecrae finished up the night, we all headed back to the hotel (six girls + two guys + two rooms = fun...?). We hadn't really eaten dinner, so Caroline made some Korean Ramen-type noodles while people showered, and then everyone ate afterwards and just chilled.
Hmm. So I don't know what happened or why this happened, but I felt incredibly lonely and neglected on Friday night (well, I guess it kinda happened both nights, but more so Friday) back at the hotel. To be honest, my time at the hotel after the evening sessions was my least favorite part of the weekend. I know I should be thankful, and I am, that I was able to go with this group of people (mostly freshmen from UTD), only have to pay $20 for both nights, have a ride to and from the hotels, etc. I just...I don't know. During those two nights, I really had to fight against lies in my mind and draw near to Jesus instead.
I remember realizing a couple of nights before Passion that I would be the only non-Korean in our group, and wondering if that would be a problem. On Friday night, it occurred to me again, and I wasn't sure if that was the problem--it most likely was at least part of it. At least from that weekend, I felt very alienated from the girls, and I don't know how much of that was because they're Korean. I just felt like they were very meticulous and devoted a lot of time and energy to the way they looked, especially in the morning as we got ready and got dressed, etc. I know I'm one of the least typical/girly girls that I know, especially when it comes to how I dress, how little effort I put into getting ready in the morning (ie. no makeup) and that's probably why, but I just felt...like I wasn't beautiful? because I wasn't putting in as much effort, physically or mentally, into my appearance. I don't know if that's the best way to put it, but I can't think of an alternative at the moment.
I don't know what made Friday night so bad, but I just remember personally feeling an extreme lack of community and love. I showered right before I knew everyone else was going to eat and then just ate a granola bar in the girls' room while everyone ate in the guys' room. I don't know what was wrong with me, but I just felt like I didn't want to be with them but also that they didn't want me to be there. I wandered around outside for a bit, crying out to Jesus for comfort, but it was really hard to find that night. And it was so weird, feeling like that just an hour or two after I'd felt so close to Him during worship. I think it also didn't help that I wanted to talk to Derek, but he was super busy and then needed to go to sleep, especially after hearing Jean tell me about her and Chris and things he always did for her. I guess it made me feel neglected by him, too...?
I don't know. I was in anguish that night, though. It was so weird! It also sucked to realize that sometimes I just drown myself in self-pity (was I doing that on Friday night?) because I probably could've made the effort to hang out with everyone else, and they wouldn't have objected...but I just felt like they were not inviting me. Reminded me of the importance of reaching out to others; it really sucks to not have anyone in an entire group care about you or reach out to you when you're just hanging out by yourself. At least that's how I felt that night.
Thankfully, I finally just went to sleep (instead of playing Taboo or Tunk with the others) on the kitchen floor. That was not a fun place to sleep, either.
Wow, talk about an attention-seeking, self-pitying girl.
Anyhoo, Louie came out to welcome us to Passion and start us off. I'd never heard him speak, except for the clip on laminin, so that was pretty exciting. I actually didn't take notes the first night, because I felt like what he was saying wasn't anything particularly new, but I jotted down what I did remember the next morning. He was speaking on Phil. 1:1-26, with a focus on verses 1 and 21.
"Paul and Timothy, servants of Christ Jesus, to all God’s holy people in Christ Jesus at Philippi, together with the overseers and deacons" - Phil. 1:1
As with many of the introductions in the epistles, we (at least I) often overlook the first couple of sentences and just skip over those in order to get to the "meatier" and more memorize-worthy verses. But Louie pointed out the gravity of the first seven words: Paul lists himself and Timothy as servants of Christ Jesus. Who presents themselves in that way nowadays? Would I go around saying, "Hi, I'm Anna, and I'm a servant of Christ Jesus. What about you?"
He followed up that point with the question, who do you serve? Who are you living for? Yourself, or Jesus? It was a good reminder of how easily I center my life around myself, when it was never, ever about me in the first place.
"For to me, to live is Christ, and to die is gain." - Phil 1:21
This verse is more well-known, but also probably overlooked in its gravity. I think for a long time I never really understood what Paul was talking about--his short statement seemed powerful but too abstract for me to grasp. But Louie phrased it like this: "For me, my life is all about Jesus, and that is my ultimate focus and goal each day of my life. But, if you take my life, that is the ultimate gain, for I will get to be with God!" John Piper put it another way: "You let me live, you get more Jesus. You take my life, I get more Jesus!" That. is. awesome.
Oftentimes, Louie pointed out that we switch it around, and we claim that to live is gain, and to die is Christ. We live ultimately for our own selfish gain, but it's okay if we die, because we'll be with Jesus when we do. Though that's not totally off, it's still not how Jesus lived, and it's not how He is calling us to live. That was pretty impactful for me.
The last thing I remember Louie talking about that first night was the "university moment"--the moment in your college experience when you make the decisions that change the trajectory of your life--since he was talking about how he got started with founding Passion and such. It reminded me and convicted me--that's why college ministry is so important! I remember when I was younger, always hearing speakers talk about how blessed we high schoolers (or younger) were to already be born-again believers, since most of them didn't get to find Jesus until college, and I didn't really get it. But now that I'm in college, I can more fully grasp the concept of the university moment, the idea that college is a time when we're older, we're legally adults, and many decisions that we make in these four years will impact us, our trajectory, for the rest of our lives. Wow, talk about the gravity of college ministry and sharing with my peers, right? But it also encouraged me to keep pressing on and looking for ways to share about Jesus with my friends at this point in our lives.
As we closed off the session with worship, Christy Nockels was leading us in Revelation Song, and the lyrics moved me to tears (a pattern, I was soon to discover, for the entire weekend). Such a marvelous mystery, indeed. :)
I remember looking down at my hands and thinking...Wow. Jesus' hands--the hands of the Son of God--were pierced, nailed to a tree, in order that I could lift my wretched ones to Him in praise. That is love.
//
[p11] lonely.
After Lecrae finished up the night, we all headed back to the hotel (six girls + two guys + two rooms = fun...?). We hadn't really eaten dinner, so Caroline made some Korean Ramen-type noodles while people showered, and then everyone ate afterwards and just chilled.
Hmm. So I don't know what happened or why this happened, but I felt incredibly lonely and neglected on Friday night (well, I guess it kinda happened both nights, but more so Friday) back at the hotel. To be honest, my time at the hotel after the evening sessions was my least favorite part of the weekend. I know I should be thankful, and I am, that I was able to go with this group of people (mostly freshmen from UTD), only have to pay $20 for both nights, have a ride to and from the hotels, etc. I just...I don't know. During those two nights, I really had to fight against lies in my mind and draw near to Jesus instead.
I remember realizing a couple of nights before Passion that I would be the only non-Korean in our group, and wondering if that would be a problem. On Friday night, it occurred to me again, and I wasn't sure if that was the problem--it most likely was at least part of it. At least from that weekend, I felt very alienated from the girls, and I don't know how much of that was because they're Korean. I just felt like they were very meticulous and devoted a lot of time and energy to the way they looked, especially in the morning as we got ready and got dressed, etc. I know I'm one of the least typical/girly girls that I know, especially when it comes to how I dress, how little effort I put into getting ready in the morning (ie. no makeup) and that's probably why, but I just felt...like I wasn't beautiful? because I wasn't putting in as much effort, physically or mentally, into my appearance. I don't know if that's the best way to put it, but I can't think of an alternative at the moment.
I don't know what made Friday night so bad, but I just remember personally feeling an extreme lack of community and love. I showered right before I knew everyone else was going to eat and then just ate a granola bar in the girls' room while everyone ate in the guys' room. I don't know what was wrong with me, but I just felt like I didn't want to be with them but also that they didn't want me to be there. I wandered around outside for a bit, crying out to Jesus for comfort, but it was really hard to find that night. And it was so weird, feeling like that just an hour or two after I'd felt so close to Him during worship. I think it also didn't help that I wanted to talk to Derek, but he was super busy and then needed to go to sleep, especially after hearing Jean tell me about her and Chris and things he always did for her. I guess it made me feel neglected by him, too...?
I don't know. I was in anguish that night, though. It was so weird! It also sucked to realize that sometimes I just drown myself in self-pity (was I doing that on Friday night?) because I probably could've made the effort to hang out with everyone else, and they wouldn't have objected...but I just felt like they were not inviting me. Reminded me of the importance of reaching out to others; it really sucks to not have anyone in an entire group care about you or reach out to you when you're just hanging out by yourself. At least that's how I felt that night.
Thankfully, I finally just went to sleep (instead of playing Taboo or Tunk with the others) on the kitchen floor. That was not a fun place to sleep, either.
Wow, talk about an attention-seeking, self-pitying girl.
[p11] initial thoughts
So this is a week late, but I really just need to sit myself down and record my thoughts/experiences from my first Passion conference, otherwise I will forget everything I haven't already...here were my initial thoughts from last Sunday night; I'll post this for now and then keep going in shorter posts. Whee!
//
[Warning...this will likely be very long, harking back to my I-need-to-record-every-single-detail Xanga days. But it's okay. Hopefully, it will serve me in the future, near or far, when I might not be feeling as close to Jesus as I'd like. Here goes!]
Well. Suffice it to say that I haven't posted on this thing in quite a while...and if my thoughts that I want to blog could take visual form, there would be a major backup, akin to Houston or Dallas traffic, sigh...Breakthrough, Wall of Brokenness, feeding the homeless and walking over a mile to where they live, a birthday surprise fitting to start off my 20th year of life, discipleship with Joyce, IV in general, Spring Break (!)--with Apeksha and her family, Durga Mandir, Indian food and movies, plus NYC with Derek and his dad--and now Passion. Hopefully I can cross off at least that last one by the end of this post.
I still remember signing up for Passion. It was during the snow break back in February, and I realized it was the last day to sign up for early registration cost (though it was only a ten-dollar difference in the end), since I'd heard about it from Daniel and how it never really came out to Fort Worth, so close to Dallas. I remember texting a bunch of people I thought would know about Passion, and the general reply was to go if I got the chance. Daniel told me not to worry about lodging and transportation, and God has blessed me with so many financial resources, so I decided to sign up. Whee!
I then kinda forgot about it for a while, since it was still a few months away, and school/IV took over my thoughts. A couple of weeks ago, we started discussing lodging and transportation (and food, haha) issues, which finally got figured out--the day before, it seems!--praise God. We went to buy towels and socks, printed tickets and maps/directions, Facebook-messaged a lot within 48 hours (mostly about food) and suddenly it was Friday afternoon and time to go to Fort Worth!
To be honest, I came into this weekend with almost no expectations/not knowing what to expect. The Passion website was not very descriptive, and all I knew was that it was an annual, huge, well-known Christian conference for college kids. I also hadn't given myself much time to prepare my heart, since I'd been out of town the two days prior to leaving, too. Whew. I feel like I have a (bad?) tendency to not really mentally/spiritually prepare myself for big events (conferences or otherwise). I guess it's good in the sense that I don't set unrealistic or super-high standards and won't get disappointed, but I need to become more regular at expecting great things from my great God. He doesn't deserve any less. But praise Him! that He always blows me away, despite my unpreparedness and unfaithfulness.
The ride there wasn't too eventful; I played role of backseat navigator, we hit some traffic, passed our hotel, but we finally found it. We dumped all our stuff into the two rooms and rushed off to the conference center, since we were a little late. We dropped off three of the passengers, took the closest $10 parking, walked down six flights of stairs, saw a TON of people still walking around and registering--in addition to all the (awesome!) doorholders in orange--went inside, got our GOLD wristbands, then headed to the arena.
Man...walking into a room filled with 10,000+ other worshipers during Chris Tomlin's "Our God" is really something else. I just looked around the room in awe. The lyrics rang so true in my ears--truly, only our God, who is greater than ANY other, could call so many university students to His name, to fall at His feet and worship Him! God is so good. :) We took our seats, worshiped some more, did a three-way (well, ours was four) prayer for a little bit, then Louie Giglio came out for our first main session talk.
Overall:
The music was/is AMAZING. Live or not. Still listening to some of Chris Tomlin's songs on loop right now. [still true!]
//
[Warning...this will likely be very long, harking back to my I-need-to-record-every-single-detail Xanga days. But it's okay. Hopefully, it will serve me in the future, near or far, when I might not be feeling as close to Jesus as I'd like. Here goes!]
Well. Suffice it to say that I haven't posted on this thing in quite a while...and if my thoughts that I want to blog could take visual form, there would be a major backup, akin to Houston or Dallas traffic, sigh...Breakthrough, Wall of Brokenness, feeding the homeless and walking over a mile to where they live, a birthday surprise fitting to start off my 20th year of life, discipleship with Joyce, IV in general, Spring Break (!)--with Apeksha and her family, Durga Mandir, Indian food and movies, plus NYC with Derek and his dad--and now Passion. Hopefully I can cross off at least that last one by the end of this post.
I still remember signing up for Passion. It was during the snow break back in February, and I realized it was the last day to sign up for early registration cost (though it was only a ten-dollar difference in the end), since I'd heard about it from Daniel and how it never really came out to Fort Worth, so close to Dallas. I remember texting a bunch of people I thought would know about Passion, and the general reply was to go if I got the chance. Daniel told me not to worry about lodging and transportation, and God has blessed me with so many financial resources, so I decided to sign up. Whee!
I then kinda forgot about it for a while, since it was still a few months away, and school/IV took over my thoughts. A couple of weeks ago, we started discussing lodging and transportation (and food, haha) issues, which finally got figured out--the day before, it seems!--praise God. We went to buy towels and socks, printed tickets and maps/directions, Facebook-messaged a lot within 48 hours (mostly about food) and suddenly it was Friday afternoon and time to go to Fort Worth!
To be honest, I came into this weekend with almost no expectations/not knowing what to expect. The Passion website was not very descriptive, and all I knew was that it was an annual, huge, well-known Christian conference for college kids. I also hadn't given myself much time to prepare my heart, since I'd been out of town the two days prior to leaving, too. Whew. I feel like I have a (bad?) tendency to not really mentally/spiritually prepare myself for big events (conferences or otherwise). I guess it's good in the sense that I don't set unrealistic or super-high standards and won't get disappointed, but I need to become more regular at expecting great things from my great God. He doesn't deserve any less. But praise Him! that He always blows me away, despite my unpreparedness and unfaithfulness.
The ride there wasn't too eventful; I played role of backseat navigator, we hit some traffic, passed our hotel, but we finally found it. We dumped all our stuff into the two rooms and rushed off to the conference center, since we were a little late. We dropped off three of the passengers, took the closest $10 parking, walked down six flights of stairs, saw a TON of people still walking around and registering--in addition to all the (awesome!) doorholders in orange--went inside, got our GOLD wristbands, then headed to the arena.
Man...walking into a room filled with 10,000+ other worshipers during Chris Tomlin's "Our God" is really something else. I just looked around the room in awe. The lyrics rang so true in my ears--truly, only our God, who is greater than ANY other, could call so many university students to His name, to fall at His feet and worship Him! God is so good. :) We took our seats, worshiped some more, did a three-way (well, ours was four) prayer for a little bit, then Louie Giglio came out for our first main session talk.
Overall:
The music was/is AMAZING. Live or not. Still listening to some of Chris Tomlin's songs on loop right now. [still true!]
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