I was wiping the dust off of the keyboard that's been taking residence under my bed (no, it's not mine) as storage for IV, and the keys sounded really funny when I pressed them down as I was cleaning them. For some reason, they were squeaky, whereas keyboards can usually produce a wide variety of sound, not just piano. It occurred to me that it was because they weren't plugged in, and somehow God used that to convict me...that's how we sound. That's how I sound. Squeaky and wrong, when I'm not plugged into Him, my source of joy, strength, comfort...my source of everything.
...also, I just realized, I have no idea where the title of my blog came from. It doesn't really make sense, now that I think about it. Oops? Maybe I should try to come up with something else.
Friday, January 28, 2011
Wednesday, January 19, 2011
chaos.
"Ever heard of chaos theory, Ed? It's a science that tries to determine underlying patterns in chaotic systems like weather, ocean currents, blood flow--that sort of thing. But it turns out that there are few things more chaotic than the beat of a human heart. Its beating up, slowing down. Pretty face, flirty stares. It's always changing, based on what's happening to ourselves out there...But underneath all of that bump-da-bump mess, there is in fact a pattern, the truth, and it's love. The most important thing about love is that we choose to give it, and we choose to receive it, making it the least random act in the entire universe. It transcends blood, it transcends betrayal and all the dirt, and it makes us human."
-Frank Allen (Ryan Reynolds), from "Chaos Theory"
:)
-Frank Allen (Ryan Reynolds), from "Chaos Theory"
:)
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
back to [insert month].
"So this is me swallowing my pride, standing in front of you saying I'm sorry for that night.
I go back to December all the time...wishing I'd realized what I had when you were mine."
-Taylor Swift, Back to December
Ah, Taylor Swift. I'd heard this song before, but I think the lyrics never really struck me until it was playing in Evonne's car on the way back to Dallas last week. As I listened to the chorus, I felt like Taylor's guilty and regretful feelings resonated with my own regarding past relationships, especially in high school. I tend not to dwell on those particular friendships (with guys) very much nowadays, maybe because I know it hurts too much to think about how prideful I was, how selfish I was, wanting all of the attention and yet not reciprocating. Hearing those lyrics really brought me to my knees, wishing I had realized how much I had in those friendships, wishing I had treated them right, or at least treated them better.
I know they won't ever read this blog, but it doesn't change how I feel now, looking back. I'm sorry, for that night, for all those nights. I'm sorry for leading you on, for not valuing you as the good friend that you were. I'm sorry for blurring the lines, for overlooking the hurt and confusion you must have felt sometimes (or a lot of the time), for taking you for granted.
...and yet, in the midst of all of that, I find comfort. Comfort in the knowledge of God's sovereignty. I guess part of me wishes I could go back and change things, but when I think about it, I don't want to do that. Not only because I know that I can't, but because I know that God planned all of that. He planned and orchestrated all of those friendships, even the times of hurt and confusion and guilt. I know He definitely used each of those instances to teach me, and I hope and pray that they were learning experiences for you as well. I pray that one day you can forgive me and know that even though it may have seemed that it was for your hurt, that God intended it for good (Genesis 50:20).
Even as I listen to the song "Back to December" and think about how depressing it is, God whispers lovingly in my ear, "There is a time for everything. I don't make mistakes. Don't worry about it."
Cue Matt Maher's "For Your Glory."
I go back to December all the time...wishing I'd realized what I had when you were mine."
-Taylor Swift, Back to December
Ah, Taylor Swift. I'd heard this song before, but I think the lyrics never really struck me until it was playing in Evonne's car on the way back to Dallas last week. As I listened to the chorus, I felt like Taylor's guilty and regretful feelings resonated with my own regarding past relationships, especially in high school. I tend not to dwell on those particular friendships (with guys) very much nowadays, maybe because I know it hurts too much to think about how prideful I was, how selfish I was, wanting all of the attention and yet not reciprocating. Hearing those lyrics really brought me to my knees, wishing I had realized how much I had in those friendships, wishing I had treated them right, or at least treated them better.
I know they won't ever read this blog, but it doesn't change how I feel now, looking back. I'm sorry, for that night, for all those nights. I'm sorry for leading you on, for not valuing you as the good friend that you were. I'm sorry for blurring the lines, for overlooking the hurt and confusion you must have felt sometimes (or a lot of the time), for taking you for granted.
...and yet, in the midst of all of that, I find comfort. Comfort in the knowledge of God's sovereignty. I guess part of me wishes I could go back and change things, but when I think about it, I don't want to do that. Not only because I know that I can't, but because I know that God planned all of that. He planned and orchestrated all of those friendships, even the times of hurt and confusion and guilt. I know He definitely used each of those instances to teach me, and I hope and pray that they were learning experiences for you as well. I pray that one day you can forgive me and know that even though it may have seemed that it was for your hurt, that God intended it for good (Genesis 50:20).
Even as I listen to the song "Back to December" and think about how depressing it is, God whispers lovingly in my ear, "There is a time for everything. I don't make mistakes. Don't worry about it."
Cue Matt Maher's "For Your Glory."
Monday, January 17, 2011
snow and ice.
(Meant to post this last week when there was still actually snow and ice outside my window, but alas, time and sunshine and laziness has led to another belated post.)
As I walked through the snow--a real rarity in Dallas--one night last week, I remember stepping onto the sidewalk and almost slipping on a frozen puddle of ice that was hard to see in the dark. It made me think of how, even in the midst of God's beautiful winter wonderland creations, the enemy tries to trick us and make us stumble in a tricky, inconspicuous manner, like the almost-unseen ice on the ground. But God is light, and He shines His light into the darkness that we can see and avoid those schemes.
As I walked through the snow--a real rarity in Dallas--one night last week, I remember stepping onto the sidewalk and almost slipping on a frozen puddle of ice that was hard to see in the dark. It made me think of how, even in the midst of God's beautiful winter wonderland creations, the enemy tries to trick us and make us stumble in a tricky, inconspicuous manner, like the almost-unseen ice on the ground. But God is light, and He shines His light into the darkness that we can see and avoid those schemes.
parched.
You, God, are my God,
earnestly I seek you;
I thirst for you,
my whole being longs for you,
in a dry and parched land
where there is no water.
-Psalm 63:1
What a beautiful comparison. This morning, looking at my dry and cracked hands, I was reminded of this verse. I guess deserts are a bit hard to come by in Texas, so the psalmist's image doesn't resonate quite as well with me, but the skin on my hands and face is the same as the land in the verse. It is crying out, thirsty, desperate for moisture, before it cracks and begins to bleed.
It was a reminder to keep seeking Him, earnestly. I want my faith to always be like that. I want to yearn for God with my whole being, my whole soul, every morning when I wake up. I want to want Him more than my skin cells cry out for lotion, more than my throat cries out for water after running on a cold day.
earnestly I seek you;
I thirst for you,
my whole being longs for you,
in a dry and parched land
where there is no water.
-Psalm 63:1
What a beautiful comparison. This morning, looking at my dry and cracked hands, I was reminded of this verse. I guess deserts are a bit hard to come by in Texas, so the psalmist's image doesn't resonate quite as well with me, but the skin on my hands and face is the same as the land in the verse. It is crying out, thirsty, desperate for moisture, before it cracks and begins to bleed.
It was a reminder to keep seeking Him, earnestly. I want my faith to always be like that. I want to yearn for God with my whole being, my whole soul, every morning when I wake up. I want to want Him more than my skin cells cry out for lotion, more than my throat cries out for water after running on a cold day.
Thursday, January 13, 2011
wednesdays.
So today was the first Wednesday of my semester. Twas very nice--praise God for multiple catch-ups, especially the ones that are particularly long, and some yummy food.
Wednesdays are my free day this spring, my no-class break in the middle of the week (which will soon be turned into study-and-cram day before organic chemistry or genetics). With some luck, it could possibly be shadowing day. It could include hip hop silliness (and fun?) in the evenings. With these (currently) empty Wednesdays in my schedule this semester, I'm wondering and kind of excited to see how God will use them to glorify Himself and further His kingdom...whether through displaying His creativity in the human body, through reminding me that any intelligence my brain possesses comes from Him alone, through granting me opportunities to meet up with people and pour into them/be poured into, as well as to love on friends, new and old...mmm, the possibilities :)
Yet now it is no longer Wednesday, and organic chemistry will be calling for my attention in precisely 7.5 hours. Off to bed!
Wednesdays are my free day this spring, my no-class break in the middle of the week (which will soon be turned into study-and-cram day before organic chemistry or genetics). With some luck, it could possibly be shadowing day. It could include hip hop silliness (and fun?) in the evenings. With these (currently) empty Wednesdays in my schedule this semester, I'm wondering and kind of excited to see how God will use them to glorify Himself and further His kingdom...whether through displaying His creativity in the human body, through reminding me that any intelligence my brain possesses comes from Him alone, through granting me opportunities to meet up with people and pour into them/be poured into, as well as to love on friends, new and old...mmm, the possibilities :)
Yet now it is no longer Wednesday, and organic chemistry will be calling for my attention in precisely 7.5 hours. Off to bed!
bloglog.
Why am I so bad with blogging/journaling regularly? I wonder if it really is the E in me (like Patrick always claims). Either way, I would like to blog more often, simply because I want to capture at least a few of the thoughts that always bottle up in my mind and escape unrecorded due to my laziness. Journaling nightly (definitely a first) in Trinidad also helped me want to record my thoughts more often, maybe just because it showed me that I could.
And then seeing a post on Kimberly Chau's blog about the importance of both keeping a personal journal/diary as well as a blog felt like an extra reminder from God :)
I guess this would count as one of my unofficial New Year's resolutions? Since I didn't make an actual list...so here begin my attempts to spend more time reflecting, thinking about and recording how God has been working in my life, in my day-to-day experiences...and being still, knowing that He is God, nothing more and nothing less.
And then seeing a post on Kimberly Chau's blog about the importance of both keeping a personal journal/diary as well as a blog felt like an extra reminder from God :)
I guess this would count as one of my unofficial New Year's resolutions? Since I didn't make an actual list...so here begin my attempts to spend more time reflecting, thinking about and recording how God has been working in my life, in my day-to-day experiences...and being still, knowing that He is God, nothing more and nothing less.
Friday, January 7, 2011
immature.
There is just so much to learn about being an adult. Helping my parents go over their seller's disclosure with their realtor, I'm realizing how much I don't want to grow up, don't want to learn how to buy or sell houses, don't want to figure out insurance policies and PPOs. When is it time to grow up, to be mature, to shake off the blinds of childhood and learn real-world business? And when is it time to cling to youth, to spend just a few more moments as simply the child of the family, the one who parents can tell, "Don't worry about it"?
...man, I don't even want to go back to school in three days.
And yet I'm so excited for what God has in store for me (and everyone around me) this upcoming year, even this upcoming week. :) praise God for His everlasting hope. More thoughts later.
...man, I don't even want to go back to school in three days.
And yet I'm so excited for what God has in store for me (and everyone around me) this upcoming year, even this upcoming week. :) praise God for His everlasting hope. More thoughts later.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
