Well, I guess I'll just pick up where I left off and record as many details as I remember. Overall thoughts to come later? Maybe.
Anyhoo, Louie came out to welcome us to Passion and start us off. I'd never heard him speak, except for the clip on laminin, so that was pretty exciting. I actually didn't take notes the first night, because I felt like what he was saying wasn't anything particularly new, but I jotted down what I did remember the next morning. He was speaking on Phil. 1:1-26, with a focus on verses 1 and 21.
"Paul and Timothy, servants of Christ Jesus, to all God’s holy people in Christ Jesus at Philippi, together with the overseers and deacons" - Phil. 1:1
As with many of the introductions in the epistles, we (at least I) often overlook the first couple of sentences and just skip over those in order to get to the "meatier" and more memorize-worthy verses. But Louie pointed out the gravity of the first seven words: Paul lists himself and Timothy as servants of Christ Jesus. Who presents themselves in that way nowadays? Would I go around saying, "Hi, I'm Anna, and I'm a servant of Christ Jesus. What about you?"
He followed up that point with the question, who do you serve? Who are you living for? Yourself, or Jesus? It was a good reminder of how easily I center my life around myself, when it was never, ever about me in the first place.
"For to me, to live is Christ, and to die is gain." - Phil 1:21
This verse is more well-known, but also probably overlooked in its gravity. I think for a long time I never really understood what Paul was talking about--his short statement seemed powerful but too abstract for me to grasp. But Louie phrased it like this: "For me, my life is all about Jesus, and that is my ultimate focus and goal each day of my life. But, if you take my life, that is the ultimate gain, for I will get to be with God!" John Piper put it another way: "You let me live, you get more Jesus. You take my life, I get more Jesus!" That. is. awesome.
Oftentimes, Louie pointed out that we switch it around, and we claim that to live is gain, and to die is Christ. We live ultimately for our own selfish gain, but it's okay if we die, because we'll be with Jesus when we do. Though that's not totally off, it's still not how Jesus lived, and it's not how He is calling us to live. That was pretty impactful for me.
The last thing I remember Louie talking about that first night was the "university moment"--the moment in your college experience when you make the decisions that change the trajectory of your life--since he was talking about how he got started with founding Passion and such. It reminded me and convicted me--that's why college ministry is so important! I remember when I was younger, always hearing speakers talk about how blessed we high schoolers (or younger) were to already be born-again believers, since most of them didn't get to find Jesus until college, and I didn't really get it. But now that I'm in college, I can more fully grasp the concept of the university moment, the idea that college is a time when we're older, we're legally adults, and many decisions that we make in these four years will impact us, our trajectory, for the rest of our lives. Wow, talk about the gravity of college ministry and sharing with my peers, right? But it also encouraged me to keep pressing on and looking for ways to share about Jesus with my friends at this point in our lives.
As we closed off the session with worship, Christy Nockels was leading us in Revelation Song, and the lyrics moved me to tears (a pattern, I was soon to discover, for the entire weekend). Such a marvelous mystery, indeed. :)
I remember looking down at my hands and thinking...Wow. Jesus' hands--the hands of the Son of God--were pierced, nailed to a tree, in order that I could lift my wretched ones to Him in praise. That is love.
//
[p11] lonely.
After Lecrae finished up the night, we all headed back to the hotel (six girls + two guys + two rooms = fun...?). We hadn't really eaten dinner, so Caroline made some Korean Ramen-type noodles while people showered, and then everyone ate afterwards and just chilled.
Hmm. So I don't know what happened or why this happened, but I felt incredibly lonely and neglected on Friday night (well, I guess it kinda happened both nights, but more so Friday) back at the hotel. To be honest, my time at the hotel after the evening sessions was my least favorite part of the weekend. I know I should be thankful, and I am, that I was able to go with this group of people (mostly freshmen from UTD), only have to pay $20 for both nights, have a ride to and from the hotels, etc. I just...I don't know. During those two nights, I really had to fight against lies in my mind and draw near to Jesus instead.
I remember realizing a couple of nights before Passion that I would be the only non-Korean in our group, and wondering if that would be a problem. On Friday night, it occurred to me again, and I wasn't sure if that was the problem--it most likely was at least part of it. At least from that weekend, I felt very alienated from the girls, and I don't know how much of that was because they're Korean. I just felt like they were very meticulous and devoted a lot of time and energy to the way they looked, especially in the morning as we got ready and got dressed, etc. I know I'm one of the least typical/girly girls that I know, especially when it comes to how I dress, how little effort I put into getting ready in the morning (ie. no makeup) and that's probably why, but I just felt...like I wasn't beautiful? because I wasn't putting in as much effort, physically or mentally, into my appearance. I don't know if that's the best way to put it, but I can't think of an alternative at the moment.
I don't know what made Friday night so bad, but I just remember personally feeling an extreme lack of community and love. I showered right before I knew everyone else was going to eat and then just ate a granola bar in the girls' room while everyone ate in the guys' room. I don't know what was wrong with me, but I just felt like I didn't want to be with them but also that they didn't want me to be there. I wandered around outside for a bit, crying out to Jesus for comfort, but it was really hard to find that night. And it was so weird, feeling like that just an hour or two after I'd felt so close to Him during worship. I think it also didn't help that I wanted to talk to Derek, but he was super busy and then needed to go to sleep, especially after hearing Jean tell me about her and Chris and things he always did for her. I guess it made me feel neglected by him, too...?
I don't know. I was in anguish that night, though. It was so weird! It also sucked to realize that sometimes I just drown myself in self-pity (was I doing that on Friday night?) because I probably could've made the effort to hang out with everyone else, and they wouldn't have objected...but I just felt like they were not inviting me. Reminded me of the importance of reaching out to others; it really sucks to not have anyone in an entire group care about you or reach out to you when you're just hanging out by yourself. At least that's how I felt that night.
Thankfully, I finally just went to sleep (instead of playing Taboo or Tunk with the others) on the kitchen floor. That was not a fun place to sleep, either.
Wow, talk about an attention-seeking, self-pitying girl.
Saturday, April 9, 2011
[p11] initial thoughts
So this is a week late, but I really just need to sit myself down and record my thoughts/experiences from my first Passion conference, otherwise I will forget everything I haven't already...here were my initial thoughts from last Sunday night; I'll post this for now and then keep going in shorter posts. Whee!
//
[Warning...this will likely be very long, harking back to my I-need-to-record-every-single-detail Xanga days. But it's okay. Hopefully, it will serve me in the future, near or far, when I might not be feeling as close to Jesus as I'd like. Here goes!]
Well. Suffice it to say that I haven't posted on this thing in quite a while...and if my thoughts that I want to blog could take visual form, there would be a major backup, akin to Houston or Dallas traffic, sigh...Breakthrough, Wall of Brokenness, feeding the homeless and walking over a mile to where they live, a birthday surprise fitting to start off my 20th year of life, discipleship with Joyce, IV in general, Spring Break (!)--with Apeksha and her family, Durga Mandir, Indian food and movies, plus NYC with Derek and his dad--and now Passion. Hopefully I can cross off at least that last one by the end of this post.
I still remember signing up for Passion. It was during the snow break back in February, and I realized it was the last day to sign up for early registration cost (though it was only a ten-dollar difference in the end), since I'd heard about it from Daniel and how it never really came out to Fort Worth, so close to Dallas. I remember texting a bunch of people I thought would know about Passion, and the general reply was to go if I got the chance. Daniel told me not to worry about lodging and transportation, and God has blessed me with so many financial resources, so I decided to sign up. Whee!
I then kinda forgot about it for a while, since it was still a few months away, and school/IV took over my thoughts. A couple of weeks ago, we started discussing lodging and transportation (and food, haha) issues, which finally got figured out--the day before, it seems!--praise God. We went to buy towels and socks, printed tickets and maps/directions, Facebook-messaged a lot within 48 hours (mostly about food) and suddenly it was Friday afternoon and time to go to Fort Worth!
To be honest, I came into this weekend with almost no expectations/not knowing what to expect. The Passion website was not very descriptive, and all I knew was that it was an annual, huge, well-known Christian conference for college kids. I also hadn't given myself much time to prepare my heart, since I'd been out of town the two days prior to leaving, too. Whew. I feel like I have a (bad?) tendency to not really mentally/spiritually prepare myself for big events (conferences or otherwise). I guess it's good in the sense that I don't set unrealistic or super-high standards and won't get disappointed, but I need to become more regular at expecting great things from my great God. He doesn't deserve any less. But praise Him! that He always blows me away, despite my unpreparedness and unfaithfulness.
The ride there wasn't too eventful; I played role of backseat navigator, we hit some traffic, passed our hotel, but we finally found it. We dumped all our stuff into the two rooms and rushed off to the conference center, since we were a little late. We dropped off three of the passengers, took the closest $10 parking, walked down six flights of stairs, saw a TON of people still walking around and registering--in addition to all the (awesome!) doorholders in orange--went inside, got our GOLD wristbands, then headed to the arena.
Man...walking into a room filled with 10,000+ other worshipers during Chris Tomlin's "Our God" is really something else. I just looked around the room in awe. The lyrics rang so true in my ears--truly, only our God, who is greater than ANY other, could call so many university students to His name, to fall at His feet and worship Him! God is so good. :) We took our seats, worshiped some more, did a three-way (well, ours was four) prayer for a little bit, then Louie Giglio came out for our first main session talk.
Overall:
The music was/is AMAZING. Live or not. Still listening to some of Chris Tomlin's songs on loop right now. [still true!]
//
[Warning...this will likely be very long, harking back to my I-need-to-record-every-single-detail Xanga days. But it's okay. Hopefully, it will serve me in the future, near or far, when I might not be feeling as close to Jesus as I'd like. Here goes!]
Well. Suffice it to say that I haven't posted on this thing in quite a while...and if my thoughts that I want to blog could take visual form, there would be a major backup, akin to Houston or Dallas traffic, sigh...Breakthrough, Wall of Brokenness, feeding the homeless and walking over a mile to where they live, a birthday surprise fitting to start off my 20th year of life, discipleship with Joyce, IV in general, Spring Break (!)--with Apeksha and her family, Durga Mandir, Indian food and movies, plus NYC with Derek and his dad--and now Passion. Hopefully I can cross off at least that last one by the end of this post.
I still remember signing up for Passion. It was during the snow break back in February, and I realized it was the last day to sign up for early registration cost (though it was only a ten-dollar difference in the end), since I'd heard about it from Daniel and how it never really came out to Fort Worth, so close to Dallas. I remember texting a bunch of people I thought would know about Passion, and the general reply was to go if I got the chance. Daniel told me not to worry about lodging and transportation, and God has blessed me with so many financial resources, so I decided to sign up. Whee!
I then kinda forgot about it for a while, since it was still a few months away, and school/IV took over my thoughts. A couple of weeks ago, we started discussing lodging and transportation (and food, haha) issues, which finally got figured out--the day before, it seems!--praise God. We went to buy towels and socks, printed tickets and maps/directions, Facebook-messaged a lot within 48 hours (mostly about food) and suddenly it was Friday afternoon and time to go to Fort Worth!
To be honest, I came into this weekend with almost no expectations/not knowing what to expect. The Passion website was not very descriptive, and all I knew was that it was an annual, huge, well-known Christian conference for college kids. I also hadn't given myself much time to prepare my heart, since I'd been out of town the two days prior to leaving, too. Whew. I feel like I have a (bad?) tendency to not really mentally/spiritually prepare myself for big events (conferences or otherwise). I guess it's good in the sense that I don't set unrealistic or super-high standards and won't get disappointed, but I need to become more regular at expecting great things from my great God. He doesn't deserve any less. But praise Him! that He always blows me away, despite my unpreparedness and unfaithfulness.
The ride there wasn't too eventful; I played role of backseat navigator, we hit some traffic, passed our hotel, but we finally found it. We dumped all our stuff into the two rooms and rushed off to the conference center, since we were a little late. We dropped off three of the passengers, took the closest $10 parking, walked down six flights of stairs, saw a TON of people still walking around and registering--in addition to all the (awesome!) doorholders in orange--went inside, got our GOLD wristbands, then headed to the arena.
Man...walking into a room filled with 10,000+ other worshipers during Chris Tomlin's "Our God" is really something else. I just looked around the room in awe. The lyrics rang so true in my ears--truly, only our God, who is greater than ANY other, could call so many university students to His name, to fall at His feet and worship Him! God is so good. :) We took our seats, worshiped some more, did a three-way (well, ours was four) prayer for a little bit, then Louie Giglio came out for our first main session talk.
Overall:
The music was/is AMAZING. Live or not. Still listening to some of Chris Tomlin's songs on loop right now. [still true!]
Monday, March 21, 2011
insecurities.
"cause I’ve been housing all this doubt and insecurity
I’ve been locked inside that house, all the while You hold the key
and I’ve been dying to get out and that might be the death of me
even though there’s no way in knowing where to go, promise I’m going
because I gotta get outta here
cause I’m afraid that this complacency is something I can’t shake
I gotta get outta here
and I’m begging You, I’m begging You, I’m begging You to be my escape"
Relient K, you put it so well.
I’ve been locked inside that house, all the while You hold the key
and I’ve been dying to get out and that might be the death of me
even though there’s no way in knowing where to go, promise I’m going
because I gotta get outta here
cause I’m afraid that this complacency is something I can’t shake
I gotta get outta here
and I’m begging You, I’m begging You, I’m begging You to be my escape"
Relient K, you put it so well.
Wednesday, February 2, 2011
inner power.
I was talking to one of my friends the other day about a bunch of random things, and Harry Potter came up. He was explaining his one bone to pick with Harry Potter...
"The one thing that bugs me about Harry Potter is how they'll walk around without using all the spells they know; they'll just stick to a few common ones--for example, they'll only use Avada Kedavra to kill someone instead of being a little more creative. It's like they're walking around as if they were just regular ordinary people, not knowing the power that's inside of them."
And even as he was talking, the parallelism between what he was saying and how we as Christ-followers choose to live our lives was flooding my thoughts. Man, how often do we--who have been saved by grace and now have the Holy Spirit residing in us--walk around as if we were just normal people, unsaved sinners, not knowing or using the power that is inside of us? It breaks my heart to even look just at my own life and see how often I do that. It's so easy to forget, but always so refreshing to remember. The same power that conquered the grave lives in me. The same love that rescued the earth lives in me.
Wow. :)
"The one thing that bugs me about Harry Potter is how they'll walk around without using all the spells they know; they'll just stick to a few common ones--for example, they'll only use Avada Kedavra to kill someone instead of being a little more creative. It's like they're walking around as if they were just regular ordinary people, not knowing the power that's inside of them."
And even as he was talking, the parallelism between what he was saying and how we as Christ-followers choose to live our lives was flooding my thoughts. Man, how often do we--who have been saved by grace and now have the Holy Spirit residing in us--walk around as if we were just normal people, unsaved sinners, not knowing or using the power that is inside of us? It breaks my heart to even look just at my own life and see how often I do that. It's so easy to forget, but always so refreshing to remember. The same power that conquered the grave lives in me. The same love that rescued the earth lives in me.
Wow. :)
hosea.
"Come, let us return to the LORD;
for he has torn us, that he may heal us;
he has struck us down, and he will bind us up.
After two days he will revive us;
on the third day he will raise us up,
that we may live before him.
Let us know; let us press on to know the LORD;
his going out is sure as the dawn;
he will come to us as the showers,
as the spring rains that water the earth."
God's promise is so beautiful and so apparent in Hosea 6:1-3; reading it this morning really blew me away. The way God orchestrates everything perfectly is definitely something that He's been constantly reminding me of, especially since Trinidad. I love serving and following a God who enjoys blowing my mind on a daily basis :) praise Him always for His saving grace!
for he has torn us, that he may heal us;
he has struck us down, and he will bind us up.
After two days he will revive us;
on the third day he will raise us up,
that we may live before him.
Let us know; let us press on to know the LORD;
his going out is sure as the dawn;
he will come to us as the showers,
as the spring rains that water the earth."
God's promise is so beautiful and so apparent in Hosea 6:1-3; reading it this morning really blew me away. The way God orchestrates everything perfectly is definitely something that He's been constantly reminding me of, especially since Trinidad. I love serving and following a God who enjoys blowing my mind on a daily basis :) praise Him always for His saving grace!
puzzle pieces.
Something Bekah said at leadership retreat a couple weeks ago, about our team working together:
"We're all like puzzle pieces...each of us has extra in some areas and holes in others, but when we all come together, we complement each other with our unique strengths and weaknesses."
"We're all like puzzle pieces...each of us has extra in some areas and holes in others, but when we all come together, we complement each other with our unique strengths and weaknesses."
iced in.
No school for three days (and counting...)! Craziness. There's so much white and ice everywhere, even covering the parking lots and sidewalks! It's hard to leave footprints on ice...which I guess makes sense, but it had never occurred to me.
On another note...I just registered for Passion 2011 (!), coming to Fort Worth, first weekend of April. Still a little unsure of how I feel about it, I think, partially because I felt like it was a last-minute, almost impulsive decision? (But I know God works even through those, praise Him.) Yesterday was the last day to register for the lowest price, so I just started asking a bunch of people what they knew about the conference. Not surprisingly, I got all positive feedback, since I sorta knew that it was a very big and popular conference with a lot of well-known speakers and artists. Wow, I don't even know where I'm going with this...but I'm going, and it's always nice on the other side of making a decision, haha. I'm not that excited yet, but I know I will be as the date approaches. Guess we'll see what God wants to show me through it!
On another note...I just registered for Passion 2011 (!), coming to Fort Worth, first weekend of April. Still a little unsure of how I feel about it, I think, partially because I felt like it was a last-minute, almost impulsive decision? (But I know God works even through those, praise Him.) Yesterday was the last day to register for the lowest price, so I just started asking a bunch of people what they knew about the conference. Not surprisingly, I got all positive feedback, since I sorta knew that it was a very big and popular conference with a lot of well-known speakers and artists. Wow, I don't even know where I'm going with this...but I'm going, and it's always nice on the other side of making a decision, haha. I'm not that excited yet, but I know I will be as the date approaches. Guess we'll see what God wants to show me through it!
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