[p11] friday night session.

Well, I guess I'll just pick up where I left off and record as many details as I remember. Overall thoughts to come later? Maybe.

Anyhoo, Louie came out to welcome us to Passion and start us off. I'd never heard him speak, except for the clip on laminin, so that was pretty exciting. I actually didn't take notes the first night, because I felt like what he was saying wasn't anything particularly new, but I jotted down what I did remember the next morning. He was speaking on Phil. 1:1-26, with a focus on verses 1 and 21.

"Paul and Timothy, servants of Christ Jesus, to all God’s holy people in Christ Jesus at Philippi, together with the overseers and deacons" - Phil. 1:1
As with many of the introductions in the epistles, we (at least I) often overlook the first couple of sentences and just skip over those in order to get to the "meatier" and more memorize-worthy verses. But Louie pointed out the gravity of the first seven words: Paul lists himself and Timothy as servants of Christ Jesus. Who presents themselves in that way nowadays? Would I go around saying, "Hi, I'm Anna, and I'm a servant of Christ Jesus. What about you?"
He followed up that point with the question, who do you serve? Who are you living for? Yourself, or Jesus? It was a good reminder of how easily I center my life around myself, when it was never, ever about me in the first place.

"For to me, to live is Christ, and to die is gain." - Phil 1:21
This verse is more well-known, but also probably overlooked in its gravity. I think for a long time I never really understood what Paul was talking about--his short statement seemed powerful but too abstract for me to grasp. But Louie phrased it like this: "For me, my life is all about Jesus, and that is my ultimate focus and goal each day of my life. But, if you take my life, that is the ultimate gain, for I will get to be with God!" John Piper put it another way: "You let me live, you get more Jesus. You take my life, I get more Jesus!" That. is. awesome.
Oftentimes, Louie pointed out that we switch it around, and we claim that to live is gain, and to die is Christ. We live ultimately for our own selfish gain, but it's okay if we die, because we'll be with Jesus when we do. Though that's not totally off, it's still not how Jesus lived, and it's not how He is calling us to live. That was pretty impactful for me.
The last thing I remember Louie talking about that first night was the "university moment"--the moment in your college experience when you make the decisions that change the trajectory of your life--since he was talking about how he got started with founding Passion and such. It reminded me and convicted me--that's why college ministry is so important! I remember when I was younger, always hearing speakers talk about how blessed we high schoolers (or younger) were to already be born-again believers, since most of them didn't get to find Jesus until college, and I didn't really get it. But now that I'm in college, I can more fully grasp the concept of the university moment, the idea that college is a time when we're older, we're legally adults, and many decisions that we make in these four years will impact us, our trajectory, for the rest of our lives. Wow, talk about the gravity of college ministry and sharing with my peers, right? But it also encouraged me to keep pressing on and looking for ways to share about Jesus with my friends at this point in our lives.

As we closed off the session with worship, Christy Nockels was leading us in Revelation Song, and the lyrics moved me to tears (a pattern, I was soon to discover, for the entire weekend). Such a marvelous mystery, indeed. :)

I remember looking down at my hands and thinking...Wow. Jesus' hands--the hands of the Son of God--were pierced, nailed to a tree, in order that I could lift my wretched ones to Him in praise. That is love.

//
[p11] lonely.
After Lecrae finished up the night, we all headed back to the hotel (six girls + two guys + two rooms = fun...?). We hadn't really eaten dinner, so Caroline made some Korean Ramen-type noodles while people showered, and then everyone ate afterwards and just chilled.


Hmm. So I don't know what happened or why this happened, but I felt incredibly lonely and neglected on Friday night (well, I guess it kinda happened both nights, but more so Friday) back at the hotel. To be honest, my time at the hotel after the evening sessions was my least favorite part of the weekend. I know I should be thankful, and I am, that I was able to go with this group of people (mostly freshmen from UTD), only have to pay $20 for both nights, have a ride to and from the hotels, etc. I just...I don't know. During those two nights, I really had to fight against lies in my mind and draw near to Jesus instead.
I remember realizing a couple of nights before Passion that I would be the only non-Korean in our group, and wondering if that would be a problem. On Friday night, it occurred to me again, and I wasn't sure if that was the problem--it most likely was at least part of it. At least from that weekend, I felt very alienated from the girls, and I don't know how much of that was because they're Korean. I just felt like they were very meticulous and devoted a lot of time and energy to the way they looked, especially in the morning as we got ready and got dressed, etc. I know I'm one of the least typical/girly girls that I know, especially when it comes to how I dress, how little effort I put into getting ready in the morning (ie. no makeup) and that's probably why, but I just felt...like I wasn't beautiful? because I wasn't putting in as much effort, physically or mentally, into my appearance. I don't know if that's the best way to put it, but I can't think of an alternative at the moment.

I don't know what made Friday night so bad, but I just remember personally feeling an extreme lack of community and love. I showered right before I knew everyone else was going to eat and then just ate a granola bar in the girls' room while everyone ate in the guys' room. I don't know what was wrong with me, but I just felt like I didn't want to be with them but also that they didn't want me to be there. I wandered around outside for a bit, crying out to Jesus for comfort, but it was really hard to find that night. And it was so weird, feeling like that just an hour or two after I'd felt so close to Him during worship. I think it also didn't help that I wanted to talk to Derek, but he was super busy and then needed to go to sleep, especially after hearing Jean tell me about her and Chris and things he always did for her. I guess it made me feel neglected by him, too...?

I don't know. I was in anguish that night, though. It was so weird! It also sucked to realize that sometimes I just drown myself in self-pity (was I doing that on Friday night?) because I probably could've made the effort to hang out with everyone else, and they wouldn't have objected...but I just felt like they were not inviting me. Reminded me of the importance of reaching out to others; it really sucks to not have anyone in an entire group care about you or reach out to you when you're just hanging out by yourself. At least that's how I felt that night.
Thankfully, I finally just went to sleep (instead of playing Taboo or Tunk with the others) on the kitchen floor. That was not a fun place to sleep, either.


Wow, talk about an attention-seeking, self-pitying girl.