back to [insert month].

"So this is me swallowing my pride, standing in front of you saying I'm sorry for that night.
I go back to December all the time...wishing I'd realized what I had when you were mine."
-Taylor Swift, Back to December

Ah, Taylor Swift. I'd heard this song before, but I think the lyrics never really struck me until it was playing in Evonne's car on the way back to Dallas last week. As I listened to the chorus, I felt like Taylor's guilty and regretful feelings resonated with my own regarding past relationships, especially in high school. I tend not to dwell on those particular friendships (with guys) very much nowadays, maybe because I know it hurts too much to think about how prideful I was, how selfish I was, wanting all of the attention and yet not reciprocating. Hearing those lyrics really brought me to my knees, wishing I had realized how much I had in those friendships, wishing I had treated them right, or at least treated them better.
I know they won't ever read this blog, but it doesn't change how I feel now, looking back. I'm sorry, for that night, for all those nights. I'm sorry for leading you on, for not valuing you as the good friend that you were. I'm sorry for blurring the lines, for overlooking the hurt and confusion you must have felt sometimes (or a lot of the time), for taking you for granted.


...and yet, in the midst of all of that, I find comfort. Comfort in the knowledge of God's sovereignty. I guess part of me wishes I could go back and change things, but when I think about it, I don't want to do that. Not only because I know that I can't, but because I know that God planned all of that. He planned and orchestrated all of those friendships, even the times of hurt and confusion and guilt. I know He definitely used each of those instances to teach me, and I hope and pray that they were learning experiences for you as well. I pray that one day you can forgive me and know that even though it may have seemed that it was for your hurt, that God intended it for good (Genesis 50:20).
Even as I listen to the song "Back to December" and think about how depressing it is, God whispers lovingly in my ear, "There is a time for everything. I don't make mistakes. Don't worry about it."
Cue Matt Maher's "For Your Glory."